Go Casual and Survive!

Play of these comments with style:

“Is that broccoli in your teeth?”

Oh, I am saving that as a last bite when I am hungry later. Thanks for inviting me for dinner, It was delicious!

“Is that your fat  I hear jiggling?”

Shh, It will hear you and get angry. You won’t like it when it is angry.

“When do you plan on paying for your own rent?”

Life is to short to worry about the bills. Life is about being with those you love, and you love me. Therefore you are obligated to pay for my survival.

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Warning: Stop Staring

  1. When your eyes begin to feel like you eyeballs are melting.
  2. When the object you stare at begins to melt because your laser vision is acting up.
  3. Before you are hypnotized.
  4. You are a traffic hazard at an intersection.
  5. Be a man and forfeit, you will never win the staring contest!
  6. AND RUN, If there is a meteor about to crash right where you are standing.

Love & Zombies: Daisy!(:

Cloud shapes help remind the forgetful

What is the best way to feel like a millionaire when you spend your allowance?

INVESTING.

Look at the sky. We see the other world that goes on there-just like when we stick our heads in the ocean.

It would be a bit more beneficial when  checking up there to see more than missiles of pigeon poop and floating viruses planning to use me as a place to multiply and thrive.

Once we know how harness cloud power for the use of personal reminders, I will have a few suggestions on the topic and, who knows, there will be a new investment for you in the blogosphere.

A cloud could remind us not to forget the keys in the car, wash our hands, we have children and they need to be picked up from… where exactly?, and to water our  fish.

Look Needy Now!

Why have you reached this point in  which you need to portray desperation?

It was bound to happen anyway right?  It was foreshadowed after that odd feeling crept up your spine.

You were one cent too short, then you missed the bus one second too late and then you were one lottery number off and to then to abolish your last drop of optimism inside you, while buttoning up your shirt, the last button was missing.

Don’t even get me started on when you were tying your shoes and one shoe lace went M.I.A.

There are  two main components to pass as needy.

1. Purchase a pity posse.

Pity Posse only sold to needy. Since this day and age there are many cases of fraud, all applicants who placed a request are required to pass a background check , which brings me to the second component

2. Develop your character.

Once the person with the clip board comes to evaluate the “suckiness” of your life, you will not speak. Not until you are asked a question. When a conversation begins, dash shivers into the flow of the conversation take the attention away from your words and place it on your on your body. Your raggedy clothing should be the remains of a past event like a science bowl.The evaluator will assume that there is incredible intelligence hidden behind your mountains of humble pie.

Her connection to food is at its peak in her thoughts. This is your stomach’s cue to growl. Accompany the growl with an awkward grin  and chuckle followed by an apology and your head angled slightly down. Now the attention is on your frizzy hair.  Speak now. Share an unattainable dream  and how it stems from chain linked  traumatic events in your past. Your evaluator feels pity towards you and accepts your request for a pity posse.

The Point of Waiting

Some say it taste sweet, then savory after chewing.

That sensation can only be felt by those who don’t scarf down life.

Those who are unable to wait have never listened to a red light.

Some fear that by waiting, they will become “waiting”, frozen in time and the wait yields no reward.

 

Tips to master…

Waiting

  • Order pizza. Tell them to deliver “30 minutes or more”
  • Brush teeth tooth by tooth.*
  • Instead of eating dessert last, eat it next week
  • Wait for the mail on Sunday
  • FREEZE. You  have frostbite. All that functions is your brain. Oh, an avalanche has made impossible  for you to return to your cozy home.  Helicopters will (most likely) arrive in 15- 20 business day
  • Wait for the signal.

 

*time varies on an individual’s dental history.

Shove.

What is it that we tend to shove? It is not until it is too late that we realize it would have been best if we remembered to administer to the -unidentified object- some T.L.C.

Allow me to remind you all what we shove:

  • dogs who take too long sniffing everything
  • strangers taking a stroll in the park and cause a traffic jam on the side-walk
  • people into or out of lines, books into the wrong section on shelves, people into cars, ideas into the mind of the youth
  • excitement into people who did not mind depression
  • regrettably served cereal back into box
  • marshmallows into our mouth
  • bodies into trash bags
  • trash into trash bags
  • feet into snug shoes
  • fat into clothing
  • words (using the fabulous adverb “actually”) into others’ conversation
  • Slurpee into the entire cup and lid (even allowing it overflow)
  • clothing and souvenirs into luggage
  • productivity to the last hour of the day
  • dirty laundry in the soon to be avalanche of clothes hidden behind the doors of our closet
  • spoons disguised as rocket ships or trains into babies mouths
  • doors that say pull
  • a wall we thought was a secret passage way
  • straws into lids
  • face into windows so face looks smushed
  • refused dollar bills from the vending machine back into the machine.

Next time you shove, think, am I being too rough and this situation really should be handled with delicacy? or I had a bad day and I must let out my anger on an innocent bystander or else I will spoil my face with unattractive pout face that fear makes me believe might never wear off?

The Language of Confusion

Mhmm. Mhmm. Yes,  I understand completely.

NO! Stop saying that. When we say that we just want the confusion to end, its unfair. We need to reverse this whole situation, making sure the b of the a conversation lose this conversation.

  1. YES, conversations are competitions of wit.
  2. YES, We refer to ourselves as the a person because a is the first number, ergo you are already #1 by being a. (A boost of confidence never hurt anyone, except those who use steroids)

Reverse the confusion. Try not following their logic. Throw any logic you had out the window! There is no logic in warfare. Its all about the facial expression that delivers the wit. Be strong, but mostly menacing. You know you are the winner when the b cringes, refuses to gracefully acknowledge  the eyeballs locked in your sockets, and responds to names such as coward, chicken, or wimp.

Lets Play Stalk the Cutie-Patootie

I have no clue who to vote for. I fill start voting at 18, but more importantly, I will start voting when my ignorance on the candidates fades away. What if we were in one of those “on a desert island” or “locked in a closet with people you prayed to god you  never die with” situations, what seems like the right thing to do? Panic? Elect a leader. If we don’t take that step first, then the bruised of the bunch will proclaim itself as dictator because he drank the moldy smoothie resembling liquid on the shelf which made him speak up.

Who would we chose to be the leader? The one who deserves it? The one who is gorgeous? The one who bribes?  If these people or things ran for or were elected, this is what I believe they bring to the table:

Babies: They are so adorable, they will people to agree with them, saving us some time with that because people can’t say o to babies.The problem here is getting things done. The instructions would be hard to understand as the baby is only in the “goo-goo gaa-gaa” stage.

Barbie: If no one can listen to each other, the Barbie plays is a method of playing out what is actually occurring in a “not up to scale” way.

Chair: We feel a closeness we would never feel with our president. They are like Santa, they let us sit on their laps.

The Crazy Guy: He is the one with the great ideas. He plots not disaster, but pure genius.

Girl Scout: Quality of a leader matters on two factors: 1. Whether she is a Daisy(no.) or Brownie(Yes!) 2. She has cookies on her. (This makes or breaks her)

The Guy with the Key: You must love this guy, keys are not just for opening doors, the are a weapon for jabbing, and people who have keys that don’t open the door they need open become angry and let out their anger most likely with their key and most definitely on you.

The Kid Who Knows Karate: If he can break coconuts open or kick down the door, choose him!

The One with the Chocolate Bar: He won’t be sharing it. Don’t get your hopes up.

Miss Universe: Gorgeous, check. Dress that can be a sense of warmth. Check. Entertainment. Check.  Definitely an excellent source of raw materials and entertainment.

Sock Puppets: Similar to Barbies  but sock puppets are loved by all, but especially the children and elderly.

The One with the Good Ideas: Don’t be fooled by this dud. We don’t need ideas, we need actions, and bribes.

P.S: Rules of life change in dire situations:

  1. The inanimate are equals to you  and I. Do not count them out of the election for our leader.
  2. The 3 second rule is abolished.
  3. It is okay to cry.
  4. It is not okay to kill, annoy, or whistle show tunes.
  5. Do not share your true feelings if you believe there is even a slight chance of rescue.

It’s Just the Foulist, Most Gruesome Nightmare, Ever.

Hopefully, February 22 will be the day I attain my freedom a.k.a my license.

There are too many “Worst Case Scenario”s running through my head as the day creeps up. I fear some of the following:

  • Automatic Rescheduling due to my door’s refusal to open.
  • Other reasons for which my nightmare would become a reality would be if  my car gets stage fright. If it is for lack of gas or its nerves got the best of it, basically, I am screwed.
  • Cats, birds, or even crazy humans that decide to use this day to cross the street and attempt to defy nature will be the doomsday device which will never allow me to obtain a license.
  • I am almost certain that sending someone on an ambulance to the hospital is not an automatic pass, nothing near that improbable miracle.
  • The evaluator will turn out to be the reincarnation of a bug I killed who only seeks revenge.
  • Whether it by perfume, or my cotton fiber clothing, The evaluator will have an allergic reaction and puff up like Mrs. Puff.
  • February 22 is the day  I forget what is left and what is right.

The thing I do not worry about is my ability to  stop at a stop sign. I am the master of stop signs.

Everything Has an Evil Twin

If only the evil twins helped by identifying themselves properly

If everything has an evil twin, I must investigate and identify them properly.

Pencil: The irreversible

Cats: Dogs

Arguments: World peace

Teacher:  Disciples

Imagination: Math

Torturing : Entertained

Glue: Gravity

Door: Freedom

Sparkles: Dandruff

False Advertising: The truth will set you  free!

Ticklish: Grumpy

Racing: Eh, I will get to it eventually

Obvious: Mumbling

Love: The disgust for the cootie-infested

Balance: Injuries due to clumsiness

Books: The movie version

Food: The inedible

Punch: Punch

Potential: An inconvenience to society

If only identifying who is the evil twin between the two were simple. It’s not like the Simpsons where a scar serves for identification purposes.