Check Yourself Out to Charity

Yep. I’m talking about volunteering.

It is my recent addiction. I feel like what I imagine an extreme couponer and a hoarder must feel as they do what they do, yet I’m not crazy (Yeah, yeah, it doesn’t help that my name rhymes with crazy). The most frequently asked question I get as a volunteer is “Why do you do it?”. Well…

1. The free stuff. I am a fan of the free shirt. They become my new pajama or clothes when I don’t feel like doing my laundry.

2.The experience. It is something I can put on a resume…whenever I decide to type one up.  Free entrance to the event isn’t bad either. I just pay in labor, gas to get their and pesky parking. Free admission to my school’s talent show was cool.I was able to meet the performers, hold their wallets…

3. Food. I must admit, this is the jackpot.  Free Pizza. Free Water bottles. Free Catering. Free Subway. Free ❤

4. I just don’t want to be at home. Rather than rot in front of the television or melt on the couch from my apartment/ convection oven over the summer, I volunteered in an office with AC. I  felt like a refugee.

5. I like offices. That’s my dream job. A cubicle isn’t a sad prison but paradise. Paperclips, a stapler, color post its and highlighters!!! …I have this thing for stationary.

6. ITS SO FUN. & I don’t have a paying job taking away my free-time.




Excuses: Why I’m not wearing any pants

  • I am protesting the ambiguity of “no shoes no shirt no service signs”
  • Walking has caused my lower body to over heat
  • I am a little too in love with my finely chiseled thighs and calves
  • It was either my pants or my underwear. My hope was to avoid being uncomfortable from deciding to wear my jeans without undies.
  • At least one thing you dream about should come to life. I chose this.
  • My bruises hurt too much to wear my pants.
  •  It’s really hot in my room and no one’s home. (by: Lysana Lafas)
  • I lied and they caught fire.. (by: oneswhoneveryawn)
  • Need to change but don’t want to go upstairs (by: Lisa Miller)
  • I don’t own any…
  • One drunk day I made a pact with the devil.  After breaking it, I had to suffer the consequences
  • Someone responded positively to my “eat my shorts” request
  • A robber caught up to  me after I got out of work and  was extremely jealous of how good my butt looked in them.
  • Today was another “bad pants day”
  • I was excited to show everyone the pair of underwear I found in the clearance section
  • someone ripped off my shirt so I ripped off my pants, so I didn’t look stupid
  • I want to start the next regrettable fashion craze
  • …there is a rumor going around that pants are revealing their relationships with belts and running away…
  • I went into my closet and someone had stolen all of my pants, leaving a note saying, “Will return for some shoes.” (by: MEF)
  • My imaginary friend said pants were overrated and underwear was understated. Of course I listened. (by:MEF)
  • Hipster Answer: I am wearing pants you just never seen them before. (by:Ashlyn)

The Motivation Behind the Time Machine

Regret is why we all wish in some moment in our life that we had the ability to time travel . Now, If someone had invented the time machine sometime in the future then someone would of traveled to the past to do it sooner. None of that has occurred so I conclude that the time machine will never happen. A time machine will be the reason we regret our future, the future we know nothing about.

Create a makeshift time machine :

  • Acts a few seconds younger, a few minutes less updated to friend’s updates or celebrity tweets.
  • Destroy objects that are reminders of time. This means clocks, watches, computers, televisions. If a tree falls, but no one is there, it doesn’t make a noise.  So this means if time continues but no one is there to watch it go by, does time continue? Lets find out.
  • Move, to a new dimension. Even better, create a new one. It’s as easy as creating a new whole in the ozone layer.
  • Go to the future. Make it the past and return to the present. Once you reach your future, It becomes your past.
  • Hire a magical being to aid you. Don’t seek a doctors advice. Their diagnosis for your regret is depression. Your doc will be handed a bottle of happy pills that requires a payment  specifically withdrawn from your  time travel savings.  (In a way you do still go back in time-financially)
  • You will continue forward in life while the rest of the universe are forced to hold their positions. Returning to the past is as easy as retracing your steps.

A dictatorship or parents hinder your plans to set sale? Innocently drop an object in the past. This anchor is the the excuse to return to your past.

Need an explanation for your time travel dreams? Here is is:  The past is like a library book. You checked it out in your past  but never get around to returning it while in the present. Now that you realize this is past business that has yet to be cleared. You are obligated to return to the past and settle matters, and fees, so your reputation at the library isn’t demolished .

Reasons to Defy the Man

Being rebellious deserves more respect. It is like defying gravity. We remove the boundaries that restrict joy.

  1. Many times people say the exact opposite of what they want you to do(reverse physiology). Others expect you to do something without being told, like you were born all-knowing.
  2. Uncool and unpopular? Have aviators that need some face-time yet it is has been difficult, to the point that it has become a burden on your virtual social life,  to find an appropriate time and place to wear them?
  3. Possibility of an award.  You know, like a girl scout badge, ribbon, or trophy. These are all reasons for a ceremony, photograph, cake, and party, all where you are the main attraction and a topic of an array of choices to converse over.
  4. Chicks like a rebel. Just remember, don’t become  psychotic. Its a turn off.
  5. Finally, any flaw of yours has  becomes a reason to add your infamous reputation. Lucky you, one more thing to add you resume.

Appearance Vs. Reality

Bald Men:

If you’re that kind of gal who always need to see her reflection yet never carries a handy dandy mirror, a bald man will comfort your insatiable desire. Make sure he waxes his bald spot so his shine allows you to check your teeth.


Hidden behind their luscious meadow of fluff are teeth that were the inspiration for the guillotine


An dream that will continue to be a dream.And only in the dream will it become an reality. When there is no  method of transportation to reach the end, find a pot of gold, a  a leprechaun that would of been a really great friend.

TV Commercials:

No money, No care. I really don’t trust strangers, especially their opinions


They don’t speak and we can’t turn out heads our heads 180 degrees to see our back side. Cue evil laughs for unseen chewed gum and statically charged undies stuck on butt


DO NOT OPEN.  You do not want to be involved. The box will remain a box, not a tampered box where you are the prime suspect in changing the status of it.


Learn to interpret, not to read. Eyes are not books. Any misinterpretation will result in stalkers or restraining orders.

How Do You Like Your Eggs?

Waiter/Mom/Person, name you forgot and are too embarrassed to ask again:

    How would you like your eggs?

The starving/Mommy’s boy/Planning to dine and dash:

    I’d like my eggs…


  • Scrambled like the people unprepared for a fire drill.
  • In the shape of an egg but no traces of actual egg.
  • Scrumdiddlyumptious.
  • Hot. On a plate, cold.
  • I can’t have eggs until I reach level 98.
  • Stabbed and left to bleed like a crime screen.
  • I never ordered eggs…
  • Chummy with a chance of meatballs.
  • With its mommy. So me and my mom can bond on our date.
  • Fully clothed.
  • Sunny side defying gravity
  • Egotistical.
  • In an omelet.
  • Heart-stopping.
  • Fluent in Shakespearean insults
  • To disappear.
  • Perfect, or off with your head!
  • Tan, AKA deep-fried.
  • Smushed as if it were stepped on by the stampede at the doors of Wal-Mart.
  • Juggled
  • Dyed; Hidden by an Easter bunny in the forest; eggs containing either candy or money, preferably money, but unfortunately, beggars can’t be choosers.

Oh yeah, hurry it up wont’cha?

Could It Be Any Simpler? Actually, YES!

It is this belief influenced by a myth accepted as the law that explains why Earth is round.  If you squeeze  your pennies real tight in your palms, once you open your hand and discover a quarter with a creepy lookin’ face winking at you, and VOILÀ! You have won yourself a one way trip to the gumball machine.

If detail is just addition, since I am in High school (my credentials),  I must be correct when I say subtraction is the evil twin of addition. Subtraction is unaware that life has more to offer, such as bedazzling, iron on patches (both from scouts or self awarding/purchased), and adjectives.

The Plain Jane in life is subtraction. The benefits of becoming/embracing life as a simpleton are excellent, all we need to do is halt our needy baby ways. We can conserve energy, therefore buying the human race time before the gaping hole in the ozone layer removes our bodies from the safety of the atmosphere like if we were the prize in a crane machine. A skilled player, that global warming.

If we were to adapt our personalities to a  simple state of mind, we would probably get less of those impatient, confused,  hesitant looks after speaking.

Story Time: At my school a club is selling Valentine’s day grams at $1/25 words. I reckon I can get around the cost by not spelling every word completely, voiding the words as being actual words. Yes, my friends will have to work a little harder, but I am only complying with their request of being less detailed. This method reduces confusion right? I have given them a Valentine and a game, that is all.

Life is not meant to be simple because we are more then a cluster of cells. We are  many clusters of cells attached to additional clusters of cells attached all together, each with their own label. (Detail!)

Life is meant to be bedazzled until the eyes burn. Take this as a sign to stop, only if you would like to keep your eyesight intact. Though there is a place where associating the least amount of detail possible is a life saver. When sharing those stories where we apply the idea “I didn’t tell you because you didn’t ask”.

Public Awareness Campaign: Just Say No, For the Love of God, Please.

rubbing feet:

Similar to coming in contact with garlic, the smell permeates the skin. Unlike garlic, feet do not leave an appetizing smell.

the creeps:

Kindness is something that should be practiced more often, but this cannot be done when a person pops your personal space bubble. In addition, they don’t really have candy.

the children:

These little boogers are not necessary to complete a lifespan. There is no actual need to be a mother, just a need to rule over a slave and take a person’s natural rights with the excuse of “because.”

the  moocher:

A once respectable friend who has the aspiration of being a bum.

the doctors:

How do they know?!?! As long as everyone else in the world gets the shot, I won’t need to.

the pressure brought on vampire adorers:

Team Garlic & Ringworm . WWIII is sure to be instigated by pop culture tensions.

the ads with tiny words that are useless to place on the commercial:

Its a scam.

the ads with asterisk next to free:

Its not free

closing you eyes and pet/eat this:

To agree to this is to agree to the possible loss of fingers, arm, or taste-buds.

a volunteer for an experimental drug:

The money is not worth all the side effects (i.e. death)


They are the professional way of scamming people.

being all alone in the dark:

Your imagination will have enough of imagining killer clowns, floating roaches, monsters, ghosts, escaped convicts, or sideshow bob  and eat itself like your stomach when you starve yourself of the comfort of food.