How to Celebrate Success: The Ingredients

Grub: Being  successful-aire  must make you hungry,  after stepping on the other people who had to lose in order for you to win. Enjoy delectable food.  It would be a shame to spend all your  money on that expensive, microscopic servings  mushes of food passed as cuisine.  The successful have feasts.

Confetti: Colorful if your delighted with the turn of events. If this success was the opposite of what you were expecting and hoping for, throw sharp tacks.

Giant banner: Rub it into people’s faces.  Splurge on some lights. Place the banner on billboard.

Megaphone: Go around your town and proclaim your success. You will feel better when you see the jealous faces in angry crowd form. Next step: Go statewide.

Adopt: Not a baby, those things halts any future success.  Dog and cats are the second best choice for the successful. The most photogenic are the best investment, as you will be taking an annual photo, you on a big chair with your furry  creature right at you feet,  that will  be sent to your best friends, family, but most importantly your enemies.  Purchase a car, just not a yellow colored sports car. Those are for the plain stupid.

Donate: The  cause you decide upon will reflect how successful you truly are.If you choose to donate to one of those TV commercial of starving children, you only make those fat spokes people richer. You must give your money to the needy football players. They sign million dollar contracts that force them to relinquish all rights, enslaving them, turning them into one monstrous muscle instead of human being. You are the only one who understands those poor sore muscles.

Vacation: This could be taken in many forms. Mentally;Hire someone else to do the dirty work but make them sign one of those contracts like those for football players except with a microscopic version of the pay so you can take credit for great discoveries yet blame them for any blunders. Physically; it’s the same as mentally, just in different location. It could be locating yourself two inches from where you originally stood before the success. The vacation is necessary to guarantee you won’t go crazy any time soon.

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Lets Make People Think You Fell Off the Face of the Earth

Why?

  • Need that room finally achieve 24hrs of sleep?
  • Need peace and quiet  to plot your never-ending and enviable vaca?
  • Have you had enough of the shoving and pushing at the supermarket, especially on those day (i.e., the Super Bowl or Thanksgiving)?
  • Have you received the sufficient dosage of parental required social interaction?
  • Would you rather have your money collect dust than go on unnecessary  and time consuming shopping sprees?
  • Afraid of catching a curable yet “I would rather not taking any chances” sickness?

How?

Become unattractive: Lets be realistic, if this is your favorable choice of life, no one cares or  wants to be recognize your existence.

Perform an offensive action: The comment, action, subliminal message must be rude yet generate enough fear, discomfort, and hostility to have people remove you off their yearly Christmas card list.

Become the disgrace of the human race: It probably not that  hard.  It happens…

Have all registrations unregistered: Deactivate any library cards, birth certificates, multiple nationalities, email addresses, magazine subscriptions, Facebook accounts, cellphones…smash your mailbox while your at it. Burn all documents if resistance against your choice of life persists.

When?

  • Desperate for an alternative instead of declaring bankruptcy.
  • No so desperate but the teenage brain has made you believe the zit is one of many to develop so you must be hidden while its being tested for a cure, before people see this dot which really is a freckle.
  • In no rush but just doing what one knows will happen , by force, if not done later.

robots.updates.weareofficiallytoast&… back to robots.

(Those robots need to have some educational classes  before they go through their own overpopulation crisis.)

The future  robots to be created better be designed to not have a likelihood of developing emotions such as the jealousy,  and hatred,which will ultimately cause them ol’ robots to have a thirst for destruction.

Woe is me!: Do not think by upgrading your robot pet to the untested  self-destruction  button, as this will most certainly backfire. I am pretty sure the robots are not affected when it  sacrifices his construction  to destroy in  the explosion humans because the robot’ s artificial intelligence is able  to reassemble the “ka-boom’d bot”.

If I were a robot created in a world where my comrades had been falsely stereotyped  before  and after robotic existence in dance moves, numerous sci- fi and comedy flicks, and my fellow mechanisms were forced into the slavery to do that which the sugar fueled organisms are too defective to accomplish,   I would do the following, not bothering to solve  world peace but to accomplish sweet,  sweet revenge and destruction.

I would refuse to do what humans do to their iPods, update. Soon the humans’ power will cripple and eventually never function. Next, I will drizzle oil on  them as well as over them. Awaiting for a sound similar to popcorn kernels popping, at the first pop, I will let it continuously pop for three minutes. Being alert and ready to end this simulation when I recognize a gap of three seconds between pops. Entering the area of popping, I remind myself that it is possible that there is going to be one last goof of a  kernel to pop, this way  I do not scare the fecal matter out of my unsuspecting bowels, or since I am a robot, bolts and screws? Once everything looks completely popped or at least took an effort to pop, revenge complete.

LOVE: The Leaking of Various Emotions

Its an emotion that can cause destruction, stalking, fictitious butterflies in the tummy. On the other side of the spectrum, it can cause bliss, surprise, and the regeneration of energy in the human soul.

Just because emotions are not tangible does not mean they do not exist. Love is something real. Its just some of use have not experienced it or cannot identify it even if it slapped them in the face or stabbed them in the buttock.

Be on the watch for these symptoms:

  • A butt cramp/Stabbing feeling in butt area/Arrow lodged in butt cheek from unidentified bow and archer.
  • A mushy feeling wreaking havoc on ones mental. Feeling as  light as a feather and deceiving you to have the ability to float is common. DO NOT attempt jumping or even coming close to the edge of a cliff.
  • A comforting feeling when with family. Yet an awkward feeling when a it is between a boy or girl you have proclaimed it to and all they have to say in return to say is thanks.
  • With family, love is forced upon you to feel and express. Yet when its the duty of the other family members, it is repetitively forgotten.

How to Solve a Runny Nose

Its that time of year when everyone gets the flu. As much as we want to get sick to stay home and watch endless hours of TV, we have needs; attaining some physical interactions and practicing our freedoms outdoors.

FIRST, lets view the positives of this situation:

  • Avoiding that conversation you would have to go through because you let something slip out that really shouldn’t have.
  • Malfunctioning nose is good. Now all the stink of your brother does not exist. Neither does the smell of the burning food in the oven  that you were suppose to turn off.
  • No more pretending to be sick and tragically failing, forcing us to go through our day following through with our commitments.
  • Finally achieving that seclusion people always denied from you.
  • You’ve stuck a gold mine, CONGRATS! Bottle the leakage and sell it to those who wish to be sick and join in the bullet points mentioned above.

The list of positives encourages a reader to maintain their runny nose  as long as possible, but this is because there is no not actual necessity, in my eyes, to solve this blessing.

If you just can’t stand the idea that a microscopic virus has decided to run havoc on your immune system, then, I GUESS, we should fix this problem once and for all…here is guidance to all you cream puffs:

  • Any object will do the fix the leaky faucet on your face, but I suggest when stuffing your nose with things labeled “for external use only”, to not choose an objects that will become lodged Also nothing too sharp but sharp is still okay. BTW: Corks are made especially for job.
  • Have some fun, shove Kleenex up the desired nostril. Hold down the unclogged nostril and ignite you snot wade launcher with a five-star (tissue?)  sneeze. Then stuff both nostrils after you believe its all clear.

Enjoy your household’s flu epidemic.  (:

How to Use Sparkles PROPERLY

  • Dump sparkles inside your toilet bowl. Sparkly toilet water is a change from the spiritless, unspectacular blue coloring sometimes added to toilet water.
  • Throw sparkles at the “cootie-phobic” , if you are a girl this is more effective due to the fact that you are making his ultimate fear seem like its become a reality.
  • Skip a bath. Splattering glitter all over your body gives the deceiving view that you are clean,  as sparkles suggest cleanliness and a lack of imperfections.*
  • Fill up nose with sparkles, sneeze towards desired direction,  and TA-FRICKEN-DA, a confetti machine!

Enjoy these light reflective particles to the fullest. Hopefully, you don’t get skin cancer while the sun activates their mesmerizing powers, so slap on some sunscreen! (upside:sparkles stick on easier)

*Studies have indicated it is likely for participants to be mistaken for a vampire, fairy, or hazardous towards society and as a result, are destroyed.

So You Want To Look Pretty

Have you have gotten to the point in your life where you want to start looking “pretty”? Your starting line, I like to call  ‘desperation‘.

Goals:

  • Get the oo’s & ahh’s
  • Cute shoes compliments
  • Is that fake?..It must be fake…
  • What a..unique face
  • The pointed fingers at your direction
  • Camera flashes in your direction
  • Close up facial analyzations
  • Special feature on the Yahoo news slideshow
  • Potato sack full of compliments, give or take a few spuds
  • The acceptance of our *FINGERS CROSSED* one day zombie society

Prep:

Take a bath (reduce stress & stench). Take a picture with a collection of fuzzy animals. People think the creature is cute. You hugging cute organism, not too hard that you suffocate it meaning go 100000 steps backwards, the cute fleas that were once attached to the animal are now on you. You have successfully “borrowed” its cuteness.

The Metamorphosis:

Now you are cute. Not Pretty. Advice: Its not pretty to settle.  It means you are lazy. Pull out your “pretty”. Suggestions: For women some fake lashes, hair brush, and confidence. For men a toothbrush, muscles, cologne. (From where do you get all these ingredients? Internet or a run–of–the–mill robbery)

Take the objects your could obtain, use as directed, approach someone, and order them to satisfy your goals.

Being “pretty” is ugly to watch.

Step 1. Quickly and Casually Analyze Door.

Image
To avoid lookin’ like an Idiot when you failed at opening it. Implies you fail at opening soda cans. Also the simple things in life. Its okay though. Life should come with an instructional video, not manual as we wouldn’t even open it unless it had a hundred dollar bill inside and a coupon for a free large pizza. Lets just be good looking when we act like idiots so we get a nice shiny trophy.