How to Use Sparkles PROPERLY

  • Dump sparkles inside your toilet bowl. Sparkly toilet water is a change from the spiritless, unspectacular blue coloring sometimes added to toilet water.
  • Throw sparkles at the “cootie-phobic” , if you are a girl this is more effective due to the fact that you are making his ultimate fear seem like its become a reality.
  • Skip a bath. Splattering glitter all over your body gives the deceiving view that you are clean,  as sparkles suggest cleanliness and a lack of imperfections.*
  • Fill up nose with sparkles, sneeze towards desired direction,  and TA-FRICKEN-DA, a confetti machine!

Enjoy these light reflective particles to the fullest. Hopefully, you don’t get skin cancer while the sun activates their mesmerizing powers, so slap on some sunscreen! (upside:sparkles stick on easier)

*Studies have indicated it is likely for participants to be mistaken for a vampire, fairy, or hazardous towards society and as a result, are destroyed.

Who Needs Pimples?

Answering the questions that aren’t meant to be answered.

  • Can’t stand the idea of being perfect? You need pimples!
  • You want to get out of taking a picture with your enemy who hates pizza faces? You need pimples!
  • About to be married to a women who is crazy about taking the perfect pictures on her wedding and you are getting cold feet? You need pimples!
  • Need an excuse to stay inside with the blinds shut “I Am Legend” style? You need pimples!
  • Don’t want to be kissed because you don’t want herpes or some other STD and being unattractive is the only way you will be safe? You need pimples!
  • You’re sitting at the food court, studying for your possible pop quiz and you do not want to be bothered by a hot girl? You need pimples!
  • You made it into the next season of American Idol but you know you are a nervous freak and you need a way to get out because you are a nervous freak and are known as the creepiest dude? You need pimples!
  • So bored during the summer? You, your mom, “friends” aka cats are in perfect health yet you feel the need to be a nurturing mother? You need pimples!
  • You’re popular and you have fallen in love with a boy waaaaay down below the social ladder and you are afraid of being accepted by his friends? You need pimples! (but be careful on the amount because one too many and they won’t  even want you)
  • Want to get into the Guinness Book of  World Records for the most pimply person but you lack the few to achieve the perfect number? You need pimples!
  • In need of camouflage at the pimple convention because the angel face you have been graced with is like the red target logo for haters? You need pimples!
  • Aren’t satisfied with the sculpted bumps  that are your muscles? You need pimples!

You don’t realize it now because your pimples cover your eyes but YOU NEED PIMPLES!!