Love is Like That Person Who Runs Up Behind You and Covers Your Eyes

Love blinds us. We believe anything our lover may brainwash us into believing or doing. Its just we will do anything for love, making up an excuse to make our actions seem okay.

Incident: A bruised eye

Excuse: I needed it. I felt like my face demanded a splash of  color and this purple and green bruise really does bring out the brown in my eyes.

Incident: Driving a runaway car

Excuse: He is really tired after successfully robbing a bank and he said he would take me out to dinner later for our anniversary with the money he made.

Incident: Stashing a gun

Excuse: The ice cream man shortchanged me the other day and I want to show him I don’t need to buy my ice cream  from him anymore.

Incident: Make up lies to cover up his tracks

Excuse: I believe this new name he chose to go by really suits the new person he has become. And why must he go by a name he doesn’t like? His mom is awful at naming things. You know her cat’s name was  Hitler? Open up a history book Lady!

Incident: Dig up a body

Excuse: My boyfriend made it clear if  I didn’t dig up this guy, the next person he would hit up the head with the shovel would be Justin Bieber, and the world is not ready for that yet, not until everyone forgets who he is…

Incident:Run away from home

Excuse: I am hoping Hollywood will someday hear my story and turn it into a film. I always wanted to walk on the red carpet barefoot.

Incident: Hold someone hostage

Excuse: While my boyfriend is out on the job as a serial killer, I find myself home alone waiting for him to punch out. The presence of a human body would just be comforting. Plus, I like the fact that his mouth is taped up. I don’t like speaking to strangers. Its really awkward.

Incident: Shoplifting

Excuse: Okay, hear me out. Its not like my boyfriend carries a purse everywhere or can pass for  pregnant woman or look like he have a big butt. This is my duty as a girlfriend.

Incident: Sell my belonging to get my boyfriend cash

Excuse: After watching an episode of hoarders, I felt like I had the symptoms of a soon-to-be-hoarder. So in order to save my family members some grief after making me go on a reality TV show and bring shame to the family, I did them a favor and did some “spring cleaning”. ahead of time.

Incident: Taste the concoction he  made for his next victim

Excuse: Its only fair. I risk his life all the time. He eats all the food I cook him and I never wash my hands.

Incident: Commit one of the many degrees of murder

Excuse: I’m jealous of how he is  always doing things without me and this was a great bonding experience.

Incident: Burning a house down

Excuse: Both me and my boyfriend believed that house needed to go. And those neighborhood kids loved the fire show. I won’t deny the children enjoyment!

Incident: Dress up in a silly outfit

Excuse: He said it was necessary. This way we wouldn’t get caught. Later that night he took me to a rave.

Incident: Take candy from a baby

Excuse: That baby deserved it. He was rubbing it in our faces from across the street. That baby had to learn sooner or later not to mess with big kids. I just crossed off one thing of his mother’s to-do list. That should count as community service.

I broke up with Food, the one with the bad rep.

It is official.

What is?, you may be asking ,

or not caring to waste energy on that  because you know I will be answering the question now.

My breakup with Food.

Yes,

I am known to break up

And return to Food with an open heart,

forgiving Food for all fat it have caused

Yet what food,

does not know is

I am sneaky too.

While food thinks

Its bringing me closer

To make my gauge pass overload,

and cause an explosion.

I am going to the gym.

Where considering to return to that Food,

With a bad rep,

Is similar to taking

Two steps forward

and then the chain

which you didn’t realize Food shackled to your ankle

pulls you all the way back,

scraping and bruising your body and mind.

I cannot take food back.

At least not the one I was with,

who had the bad rep.

Image

Not So Very Cute Pet Names

  • I love you, my little garbage can.
  • You’re the cutest, my moldy rock pointing north.
  • I couldn’t stop thinking of you, stinky Stella.
  • Oh you really shouldn’t have,  my expired egg salad sandwich.
  • Thank you so much, my monthly bill I act doesn’t exist.
  • Good morning, my wrinkly walrus.
  • How was your day, cow pie?
  • Your hair looks…alright better, my sweaty gym socks.

Christmas Tree

Sparkly. Big. Beautiful. With  a history I’d rather not hear. Lets start out fresh. Natural. Smelly. In a good way though. Green with Chloroplasts that are near death. Ticking time bombs. Then the tree will be brown. Unwanted. On the curb. (which isn’t really that curby) Next to the trash can. Then nowhere in sight. Lasted only a month. Longest. Relationship. Ever.