Excuses: Why I’m not wearing any pants

  • I am protesting the ambiguity of “no shoes no shirt no service signs”
  • Walking has caused my lower body to over heat
  • I am a little too in love with my finely chiseled thighs and calves
  • It was either my pants or my underwear. My hope was to avoid being uncomfortable from deciding to wear my jeans without undies.
  • At least one thing you dream about should come to life. I chose this.
  • My bruises hurt too much to wear my pants.
  •  It’s really hot in my room and no one’s home. (by: Lysana Lafas)
  • I lied and they caught fire.. (by: oneswhoneveryawn)
  • Need to change but don’t want to go upstairs (by: Lisa Miller)
  • I don’t own any…
  • One drunk day I made a pact with the devil.  After breaking it, I had to suffer the consequences
  • Someone responded positively to my “eat my shorts” request
  • A robber caught up to  me after I got out of work and  was extremely jealous of how good my butt looked in them.
  • Today was another “bad pants day”
  • I was excited to show everyone the pair of underwear I found in the clearance section
  • someone ripped off my shirt so I ripped off my pants, so I didn’t look stupid
  • I want to start the next regrettable fashion craze
  • …there is a rumor going around that pants are revealing their relationships with belts and running away…
  • I went into my closet and someone had stolen all of my pants, leaving a note saying, “Will return for some shoes.” (by: MEF)
  • My imaginary friend said pants were overrated and underwear was understated. Of course I listened. (by:MEF)
  • Hipster Answer: I am wearing pants you just never seen them before. (by:Ashlyn)

Lets Make People Think You Fell Off the Face of the Earth

Why?

  • Need that room finally achieve 24hrs of sleep?
  • Need peace and quiet  to plot your never-ending and enviable vaca?
  • Have you had enough of the shoving and pushing at the supermarket, especially on those day (i.e., the Super Bowl or Thanksgiving)?
  • Have you received the sufficient dosage of parental required social interaction?
  • Would you rather have your money collect dust than go on unnecessary  and time consuming shopping sprees?
  • Afraid of catching a curable yet “I would rather not taking any chances” sickness?

How?

Become unattractive: Lets be realistic, if this is your favorable choice of life, no one cares or  wants to be recognize your existence.

Perform an offensive action: The comment, action, subliminal message must be rude yet generate enough fear, discomfort, and hostility to have people remove you off their yearly Christmas card list.

Become the disgrace of the human race: It probably not that  hard.  It happens…

Have all registrations unregistered: Deactivate any library cards, birth certificates, multiple nationalities, email addresses, magazine subscriptions, Facebook accounts, cellphones…smash your mailbox while your at it. Burn all documents if resistance against your choice of life persists.

When?

  • Desperate for an alternative instead of declaring bankruptcy.
  • No so desperate but the teenage brain has made you believe the zit is one of many to develop so you must be hidden while its being tested for a cure, before people see this dot which really is a freckle.
  • In no rush but just doing what one knows will happen , by force, if not done later.

How to Solve a Runny Nose

Its that time of year when everyone gets the flu. As much as we want to get sick to stay home and watch endless hours of TV, we have needs; attaining some physical interactions and practicing our freedoms outdoors.

FIRST, lets view the positives of this situation:

  • Avoiding that conversation you would have to go through because you let something slip out that really shouldn’t have.
  • Malfunctioning nose is good. Now all the stink of your brother does not exist. Neither does the smell of the burning food in the oven  that you were suppose to turn off.
  • No more pretending to be sick and tragically failing, forcing us to go through our day following through with our commitments.
  • Finally achieving that seclusion people always denied from you.
  • You’ve stuck a gold mine, CONGRATS! Bottle the leakage and sell it to those who wish to be sick and join in the bullet points mentioned above.

The list of positives encourages a reader to maintain their runny nose  as long as possible, but this is because there is no not actual necessity, in my eyes, to solve this blessing.

If you just can’t stand the idea that a microscopic virus has decided to run havoc on your immune system, then, I GUESS, we should fix this problem once and for all…here is guidance to all you cream puffs:

  • Any object will do the fix the leaky faucet on your face, but I suggest when stuffing your nose with things labeled “for external use only”, to not choose an objects that will become lodged Also nothing too sharp but sharp is still okay. BTW: Corks are made especially for job.
  • Have some fun, shove Kleenex up the desired nostril. Hold down the unclogged nostril and ignite you snot wade launcher with a five-star (tissue?)  sneeze. Then stuff both nostrils after you believe its all clear.

Enjoy your household’s flu epidemic.  (:

Love is Like That Person Who Runs Up Behind You and Covers Your Eyes

Love blinds us. We believe anything our lover may brainwash us into believing or doing. Its just we will do anything for love, making up an excuse to make our actions seem okay.

Incident: A bruised eye

Excuse: I needed it. I felt like my face demanded a splash of  color and this purple and green bruise really does bring out the brown in my eyes.

Incident: Driving a runaway car

Excuse: He is really tired after successfully robbing a bank and he said he would take me out to dinner later for our anniversary with the money he made.

Incident: Stashing a gun

Excuse: The ice cream man shortchanged me the other day and I want to show him I don’t need to buy my ice cream  from him anymore.

Incident: Make up lies to cover up his tracks

Excuse: I believe this new name he chose to go by really suits the new person he has become. And why must he go by a name he doesn’t like? His mom is awful at naming things. You know her cat’s name was  Hitler? Open up a history book Lady!

Incident: Dig up a body

Excuse: My boyfriend made it clear if  I didn’t dig up this guy, the next person he would hit up the head with the shovel would be Justin Bieber, and the world is not ready for that yet, not until everyone forgets who he is…

Incident:Run away from home

Excuse: I am hoping Hollywood will someday hear my story and turn it into a film. I always wanted to walk on the red carpet barefoot.

Incident: Hold someone hostage

Excuse: While my boyfriend is out on the job as a serial killer, I find myself home alone waiting for him to punch out. The presence of a human body would just be comforting. Plus, I like the fact that his mouth is taped up. I don’t like speaking to strangers. Its really awkward.

Incident: Shoplifting

Excuse: Okay, hear me out. Its not like my boyfriend carries a purse everywhere or can pass for  pregnant woman or look like he have a big butt. This is my duty as a girlfriend.

Incident: Sell my belonging to get my boyfriend cash

Excuse: After watching an episode of hoarders, I felt like I had the symptoms of a soon-to-be-hoarder. So in order to save my family members some grief after making me go on a reality TV show and bring shame to the family, I did them a favor and did some “spring cleaning”. ahead of time.

Incident: Taste the concoction he  made for his next victim

Excuse: Its only fair. I risk his life all the time. He eats all the food I cook him and I never wash my hands.

Incident: Commit one of the many degrees of murder

Excuse: I’m jealous of how he is  always doing things without me and this was a great bonding experience.

Incident: Burning a house down

Excuse: Both me and my boyfriend believed that house needed to go. And those neighborhood kids loved the fire show. I won’t deny the children enjoyment!

Incident: Dress up in a silly outfit

Excuse: He said it was necessary. This way we wouldn’t get caught. Later that night he took me to a rave.

Incident: Take candy from a baby

Excuse: That baby deserved it. He was rubbing it in our faces from across the street. That baby had to learn sooner or later not to mess with big kids. I just crossed off one thing of his mother’s to-do list. That should count as community service.

THREE…TWO…ONE… We’re still ali-*BOOM*

Just like Homer, the human race goes "D'OH!" after one too many plates of food.

Buffets consist of three main types of foods:

  • Eating food
  • Wasting food
  • Sneak in your mom’s purse food

The point at which you know its best to wire your mouth shut so to halt your hands from stuffing the mountains of food that it has gathered on your plate into it is when you realize it is the necessary method to keep all the food from coming back up “the road”, as it seems they changed their mind after seeing all the “traffic”.

Side effects of buffets are the following:

  • The inability to get out of chair and walk to your car (Though, a walk to the source of food is still miraculously possible)
  • Extreme sleepiness
  • In about two hours, hunger
  • The need to stand in line and wait for the green-light to enter of the very exclusive “Le Lavatory”
  • The ability to pass as a pregnant women or man (Ugh, those embarrassing stretch mark…commercials)
  • Traumatic flashbacks such as when searching for the food you were wanting a refill in was out and being forced to wait 15 minutes
  • Terrifying nightmares on being discovered that you lied about your age so you didn’t have to pay the adults fee or being discovered taking food home.
  • Mother’s purse smells like ribs and cheese cake, Yum!
  • The need to change clothes because you have reached and exceeded the number of maximum stains that are permissible as still clean to one’s personal standards
  • Petting one’s stomach to calm it down like it were a murderer with as thirst for blood and you, the hero, attempting to save numerous lives by soothing the murderers savage soul
  • Feeling like your about to explode and become a firework made from your organ system

Looking past these bullet points that can be viewed as both negative and positive, lets be grateful that we have the ability to surpass full on our stomach’s gauge. Lets be appreciative for the ability to use figurative language to connect our side-effects of over-consumption to things we have no actual experience to say it is true and, in fact,  it feels like said comparison. We can walk across rows and piles of food that all want to be picked and introduced to your lovely stomach acids. Are we guilty on the charges of committing foodicide? No, this practice is eternal bliss to the taste-buds.