How to Celebrate Success: The Ingredients

Grub: Being  successful-aire  must make you hungry,  after stepping on the other people who had to lose in order for you to win. Enjoy delectable food.  It would be a shame to spend all your  money on that expensive, microscopic servings  mushes of food passed as cuisine.  The successful have feasts.

Confetti: Colorful if your delighted with the turn of events. If this success was the opposite of what you were expecting and hoping for, throw sharp tacks.

Giant banner: Rub it into people’s faces.  Splurge on some lights. Place the banner on billboard.

Megaphone: Go around your town and proclaim your success. You will feel better when you see the jealous faces in angry crowd form. Next step: Go statewide.

Adopt: Not a baby, those things halts any future success.  Dog and cats are the second best choice for the successful. The most photogenic are the best investment, as you will be taking an annual photo, you on a big chair with your furry  creature right at you feet,  that will  be sent to your best friends, family, but most importantly your enemies.  Purchase a car, just not a yellow colored sports car. Those are for the plain stupid.

Donate: The  cause you decide upon will reflect how successful you truly are.If you choose to donate to one of those TV commercial of starving children, you only make those fat spokes people richer. You must give your money to the needy football players. They sign million dollar contracts that force them to relinquish all rights, enslaving them, turning them into one monstrous muscle instead of human being. You are the only one who understands those poor sore muscles.

Vacation: This could be taken in many forms. Mentally;Hire someone else to do the dirty work but make them sign one of those contracts like those for football players except with a microscopic version of the pay so you can take credit for great discoveries yet blame them for any blunders. Physically; it’s the same as mentally, just in different location. It could be locating yourself two inches from where you originally stood before the success. The vacation is necessary to guarantee you won’t go crazy any time soon.

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Lets Make People Think You Fell Off the Face of the Earth

Why?

  • Need that room finally achieve 24hrs of sleep?
  • Need peace and quiet  to plot your never-ending and enviable vaca?
  • Have you had enough of the shoving and pushing at the supermarket, especially on those day (i.e., the Super Bowl or Thanksgiving)?
  • Have you received the sufficient dosage of parental required social interaction?
  • Would you rather have your money collect dust than go on unnecessary  and time consuming shopping sprees?
  • Afraid of catching a curable yet “I would rather not taking any chances” sickness?

How?

Become unattractive: Lets be realistic, if this is your favorable choice of life, no one cares or  wants to be recognize your existence.

Perform an offensive action: The comment, action, subliminal message must be rude yet generate enough fear, discomfort, and hostility to have people remove you off their yearly Christmas card list.

Become the disgrace of the human race: It probably not that  hard.  It happens…

Have all registrations unregistered: Deactivate any library cards, birth certificates, multiple nationalities, email addresses, magazine subscriptions, Facebook accounts, cellphones…smash your mailbox while your at it. Burn all documents if resistance against your choice of life persists.

When?

  • Desperate for an alternative instead of declaring bankruptcy.
  • No so desperate but the teenage brain has made you believe the zit is one of many to develop so you must be hidden while its being tested for a cure, before people see this dot which really is a freckle.
  • In no rush but just doing what one knows will happen , by force, if not done later.

How Do You Like Your Eggs?

Waiter/Mom/Person, name you forgot and are too embarrassed to ask again:

    How would you like your eggs?

The starving/Mommy’s boy/Planning to dine and dash:

    I’d like my eggs…

 

  • Scrambled like the people unprepared for a fire drill.
  • In the shape of an egg but no traces of actual egg.
  • Scrumdiddlyumptious.
  • Hot. On a plate, cold.
  • I can’t have eggs until I reach level 98.
  • Stabbed and left to bleed like a crime screen.
  • I never ordered eggs…
  • Chummy with a chance of meatballs.
  • With its mommy. So me and my mom can bond on our date.
  • Fully clothed.
  • Sunny side defying gravity
  • Egotistical.
  • In an omelet.
  • Heart-stopping.
  • Fluent in Shakespearean insults
  • To disappear.
  • Perfect, or off with your head!
  • Tan, AKA deep-fried.
  • Smushed as if it were stepped on by the stampede at the doors of Wal-Mart.
  • Juggled
  • Dyed; Hidden by an Easter bunny in the forest; eggs containing either candy or money, preferably money, but unfortunately, beggars can’t be choosers.

Oh yeah, hurry it up wont’cha?

Lets Play Stalk the Cutie-Patootie

I have no clue who to vote for. I fill start voting at 18, but more importantly, I will start voting when my ignorance on the candidates fades away. What if we were in one of those “on a desert island” or “locked in a closet with people you prayed to god you  never die with” situations, what seems like the right thing to do? Panic? Elect a leader. If we don’t take that step first, then the bruised of the bunch will proclaim itself as dictator because he drank the moldy smoothie resembling liquid on the shelf which made him speak up.

Who would we chose to be the leader? The one who deserves it? The one who is gorgeous? The one who bribes?  If these people or things ran for or were elected, this is what I believe they bring to the table:

Babies: They are so adorable, they will people to agree with them, saving us some time with that because people can’t say o to babies.The problem here is getting things done. The instructions would be hard to understand as the baby is only in the “goo-goo gaa-gaa” stage.

Barbie: If no one can listen to each other, the Barbie plays is a method of playing out what is actually occurring in a “not up to scale” way.

Chair: We feel a closeness we would never feel with our president. They are like Santa, they let us sit on their laps.

The Crazy Guy: He is the one with the great ideas. He plots not disaster, but pure genius.

Girl Scout: Quality of a leader matters on two factors: 1. Whether she is a Daisy(no.) or Brownie(Yes!) 2. She has cookies on her. (This makes or breaks her)

The Guy with the Key: You must love this guy, keys are not just for opening doors, the are a weapon for jabbing, and people who have keys that don’t open the door they need open become angry and let out their anger most likely with their key and most definitely on you.

The Kid Who Knows Karate: If he can break coconuts open or kick down the door, choose him!

The One with the Chocolate Bar: He won’t be sharing it. Don’t get your hopes up.

Miss Universe: Gorgeous, check. Dress that can be a sense of warmth. Check. Entertainment. Check.  Definitely an excellent source of raw materials and entertainment.

Sock Puppets: Similar to Barbies  but sock puppets are loved by all, but especially the children and elderly.

The One with the Good Ideas: Don’t be fooled by this dud. We don’t need ideas, we need actions, and bribes.

P.S: Rules of life change in dire situations:

  1. The inanimate are equals to you  and I. Do not count them out of the election for our leader.
  2. The 3 second rule is abolished.
  3. It is okay to cry.
  4. It is not okay to kill, annoy, or whistle show tunes.
  5. Do not share your true feelings if you believe there is even a slight chance of rescue.

Public Awareness Campaign: Just Say No, For the Love of God, Please.

rubbing feet:

Similar to coming in contact with garlic, the smell permeates the skin. Unlike garlic, feet do not leave an appetizing smell.

the creeps:

Kindness is something that should be practiced more often, but this cannot be done when a person pops your personal space bubble. In addition, they don’t really have candy.

the children:

These little boogers are not necessary to complete a lifespan. There is no actual need to be a mother, just a need to rule over a slave and take a person’s natural rights with the excuse of “because.”

the  moocher:

A once respectable friend who has the aspiration of being a bum.

the doctors:

How do they know?!?! As long as everyone else in the world gets the shot, I won’t need to.

the pressure brought on vampire adorers:

Team Garlic & Ringworm . WWIII is sure to be instigated by pop culture tensions.

the ads with tiny words that are useless to place on the commercial:

Its a scam.

the ads with asterisk next to free:

Its not free

closing you eyes and pet/eat this:

To agree to this is to agree to the possible loss of fingers, arm, or taste-buds.

a volunteer for an experimental drug:

The money is not worth all the side effects (i.e. death)

contracts:

They are the professional way of scamming people.

being all alone in the dark:

Your imagination will have enough of imagining killer clowns, floating roaches, monsters, ghosts, escaped convicts, or sideshow bob  and eat itself like your stomach when you starve yourself of the comfort of food.

How to Solve a Runny Nose

Its that time of year when everyone gets the flu. As much as we want to get sick to stay home and watch endless hours of TV, we have needs; attaining some physical interactions and practicing our freedoms outdoors.

FIRST, lets view the positives of this situation:

  • Avoiding that conversation you would have to go through because you let something slip out that really shouldn’t have.
  • Malfunctioning nose is good. Now all the stink of your brother does not exist. Neither does the smell of the burning food in the oven  that you were suppose to turn off.
  • No more pretending to be sick and tragically failing, forcing us to go through our day following through with our commitments.
  • Finally achieving that seclusion people always denied from you.
  • You’ve stuck a gold mine, CONGRATS! Bottle the leakage and sell it to those who wish to be sick and join in the bullet points mentioned above.

The list of positives encourages a reader to maintain their runny nose  as long as possible, but this is because there is no not actual necessity, in my eyes, to solve this blessing.

If you just can’t stand the idea that a microscopic virus has decided to run havoc on your immune system, then, I GUESS, we should fix this problem once and for all…here is guidance to all you cream puffs:

  • Any object will do the fix the leaky faucet on your face, but I suggest when stuffing your nose with things labeled “for external use only”, to not choose an objects that will become lodged Also nothing too sharp but sharp is still okay. BTW: Corks are made especially for job.
  • Have some fun, shove Kleenex up the desired nostril. Hold down the unclogged nostril and ignite you snot wade launcher with a five-star (tissue?)  sneeze. Then stuff both nostrils after you believe its all clear.

Enjoy your household’s flu epidemic.  (:

Double Date with Boredom? ANYONE?!

As Wiki Likes to say:

Boredom is an emotional state experienced when an individual is left without anything in particular to do, and is not interested in their surroundings. The first recorded use of the word boredom is in the novel Bleak House by Charles Dickens,  written in 1852, in which it appears six times, although the expression “to be a bore” had been used in the sense of  “to be tiresome or dull” since 1768.

I say that’s enough of a history lesson for  the day.

I ask for all who read this post for some help.  Scavenge through  the internet for some way to annihilate boredom from our good people. I only know of a few and need a more compiled list of  activities  because after what I thought would solve this problem becomes boring itself.

  1. The “Name Game”: banana fana fo fana (if only someone explained its dynamics to me)
  2. Stand on a street curb, close your eyes, imagine you are up on a high cliff and jump or step off.
  3. Attempt to communicate with people as if you were a mummy.
  4. Lay down on your back still and see how good of a corpse you are.
  5. Stand out in front of a street and wave at the cars that go by.
  6. On those special occasions, try to get as close as possible to the end of a rainbow.

Step 1. Quickly and Casually Analyze Door.

Image
To avoid lookin’ like an Idiot when you failed at opening it. Implies you fail at opening soda cans. Also the simple things in life. Its okay though. Life should come with an instructional video, not manual as we wouldn’t even open it unless it had a hundred dollar bill inside and a coupon for a free large pizza. Lets just be good looking when we act like idiots so we get a nice shiny trophy.

Who Needs Pimples?

Answering the questions that aren’t meant to be answered.

  • Can’t stand the idea of being perfect? You need pimples!
  • You want to get out of taking a picture with your enemy who hates pizza faces? You need pimples!
  • About to be married to a women who is crazy about taking the perfect pictures on her wedding and you are getting cold feet? You need pimples!
  • Need an excuse to stay inside with the blinds shut “I Am Legend” style? You need pimples!
  • Don’t want to be kissed because you don’t want herpes or some other STD and being unattractive is the only way you will be safe? You need pimples!
  • You’re sitting at the food court, studying for your possible pop quiz and you do not want to be bothered by a hot girl? You need pimples!
  • You made it into the next season of American Idol but you know you are a nervous freak and you need a way to get out because you are a nervous freak and are known as the creepiest dude? You need pimples!
  • So bored during the summer? You, your mom, “friends” aka cats are in perfect health yet you feel the need to be a nurturing mother? You need pimples!
  • You’re popular and you have fallen in love with a boy waaaaay down below the social ladder and you are afraid of being accepted by his friends? You need pimples! (but be careful on the amount because one too many and they won’t  even want you)
  • Want to get into the Guinness Book of  World Records for the most pimply person but you lack the few to achieve the perfect number? You need pimples!
  • In need of camouflage at the pimple convention because the angel face you have been graced with is like the red target logo for haters? You need pimples!
  • Aren’t satisfied with the sculpted bumps  that are your muscles? You need pimples!

You don’t realize it now because your pimples cover your eyes but YOU NEED PIMPLES!!