Lets Play Stalk the Cutie-Patootie

I have no clue who to vote for. I fill start voting at 18, but more importantly, I will start voting when my ignorance on the candidates fades away. What if we were in one of those “on a desert island” or “locked in a closet with people you prayed to god you  never die with” situations, what seems like the right thing to do? Panic? Elect a leader. If we don’t take that step first, then the bruised of the bunch will proclaim itself as dictator because he drank the moldy smoothie resembling liquid on the shelf which made him speak up.

Who would we chose to be the leader? The one who deserves it? The one who is gorgeous? The one who bribes?  If these people or things ran for or were elected, this is what I believe they bring to the table:

Babies: They are so adorable, they will people to agree with them, saving us some time with that because people can’t say o to babies.The problem here is getting things done. The instructions would be hard to understand as the baby is only in the “goo-goo gaa-gaa” stage.

Barbie: If no one can listen to each other, the Barbie plays is a method of playing out what is actually occurring in a “not up to scale” way.

Chair: We feel a closeness we would never feel with our president. They are like Santa, they let us sit on their laps.

The Crazy Guy: He is the one with the great ideas. He plots not disaster, but pure genius.

Girl Scout: Quality of a leader matters on two factors: 1. Whether she is a Daisy(no.) or Brownie(Yes!) 2. She has cookies on her. (This makes or breaks her)

The Guy with the Key: You must love this guy, keys are not just for opening doors, the are a weapon for jabbing, and people who have keys that don’t open the door they need open become angry and let out their anger most likely with their key and most definitely on you.

The Kid Who Knows Karate: If he can break coconuts open or kick down the door, choose him!

The One with the Chocolate Bar: He won’t be sharing it. Don’t get your hopes up.

Miss Universe: Gorgeous, check. Dress that can be a sense of warmth. Check. Entertainment. Check.  Definitely an excellent source of raw materials and entertainment.

Sock Puppets: Similar to Barbies  but sock puppets are loved by all, but especially the children and elderly.

The One with the Good Ideas: Don’t be fooled by this dud. We don’t need ideas, we need actions, and bribes.

P.S: Rules of life change in dire situations:

  1. The inanimate are equals to you  and I. Do not count them out of the election for our leader.
  2. The 3 second rule is abolished.
  3. It is okay to cry.
  4. It is not okay to kill, annoy, or whistle show tunes.
  5. Do not share your true feelings if you believe there is even a slight chance of rescue.
Advertisements

Could It Be Any Simpler? Actually, YES!

It is this belief influenced by a myth accepted as the law that explains why Earth is round.  If you squeeze  your pennies real tight in your palms, once you open your hand and discover a quarter with a creepy lookin’ face winking at you, and VOILÀ! You have won yourself a one way trip to the gumball machine.

If detail is just addition, since I am in High school (my credentials),  I must be correct when I say subtraction is the evil twin of addition. Subtraction is unaware that life has more to offer, such as bedazzling, iron on patches (both from scouts or self awarding/purchased), and adjectives.

The Plain Jane in life is subtraction. The benefits of becoming/embracing life as a simpleton are excellent, all we need to do is halt our needy baby ways. We can conserve energy, therefore buying the human race time before the gaping hole in the ozone layer removes our bodies from the safety of the atmosphere like if we were the prize in a crane machine. A skilled player, that global warming.

If we were to adapt our personalities to a  simple state of mind, we would probably get less of those impatient, confused,  hesitant looks after speaking.

Story Time: At my school a club is selling Valentine’s day grams at $1/25 words. I reckon I can get around the cost by not spelling every word completely, voiding the words as being actual words. Yes, my friends will have to work a little harder, but I am only complying with their request of being less detailed. This method reduces confusion right? I have given them a Valentine and a game, that is all.

Life is not meant to be simple because we are more then a cluster of cells. We are  many clusters of cells attached to additional clusters of cells attached all together, each with their own label. (Detail!)

Life is meant to be bedazzled until the eyes burn. Take this as a sign to stop, only if you would like to keep your eyesight intact. Though there is a place where associating the least amount of detail possible is a life saver. When sharing those stories where we apply the idea “I didn’t tell you because you didn’t ask”.

Love is Like That Person Who Runs Up Behind You and Covers Your Eyes

Love blinds us. We believe anything our lover may brainwash us into believing or doing. Its just we will do anything for love, making up an excuse to make our actions seem okay.

Incident: A bruised eye

Excuse: I needed it. I felt like my face demanded a splash of  color and this purple and green bruise really does bring out the brown in my eyes.

Incident: Driving a runaway car

Excuse: He is really tired after successfully robbing a bank and he said he would take me out to dinner later for our anniversary with the money he made.

Incident: Stashing a gun

Excuse: The ice cream man shortchanged me the other day and I want to show him I don’t need to buy my ice cream  from him anymore.

Incident: Make up lies to cover up his tracks

Excuse: I believe this new name he chose to go by really suits the new person he has become. And why must he go by a name he doesn’t like? His mom is awful at naming things. You know her cat’s name was  Hitler? Open up a history book Lady!

Incident: Dig up a body

Excuse: My boyfriend made it clear if  I didn’t dig up this guy, the next person he would hit up the head with the shovel would be Justin Bieber, and the world is not ready for that yet, not until everyone forgets who he is…

Incident:Run away from home

Excuse: I am hoping Hollywood will someday hear my story and turn it into a film. I always wanted to walk on the red carpet barefoot.

Incident: Hold someone hostage

Excuse: While my boyfriend is out on the job as a serial killer, I find myself home alone waiting for him to punch out. The presence of a human body would just be comforting. Plus, I like the fact that his mouth is taped up. I don’t like speaking to strangers. Its really awkward.

Incident: Shoplifting

Excuse: Okay, hear me out. Its not like my boyfriend carries a purse everywhere or can pass for  pregnant woman or look like he have a big butt. This is my duty as a girlfriend.

Incident: Sell my belonging to get my boyfriend cash

Excuse: After watching an episode of hoarders, I felt like I had the symptoms of a soon-to-be-hoarder. So in order to save my family members some grief after making me go on a reality TV show and bring shame to the family, I did them a favor and did some “spring cleaning”. ahead of time.

Incident: Taste the concoction he  made for his next victim

Excuse: Its only fair. I risk his life all the time. He eats all the food I cook him and I never wash my hands.

Incident: Commit one of the many degrees of murder

Excuse: I’m jealous of how he is  always doing things without me and this was a great bonding experience.

Incident: Burning a house down

Excuse: Both me and my boyfriend believed that house needed to go. And those neighborhood kids loved the fire show. I won’t deny the children enjoyment!

Incident: Dress up in a silly outfit

Excuse: He said it was necessary. This way we wouldn’t get caught. Later that night he took me to a rave.

Incident: Take candy from a baby

Excuse: That baby deserved it. He was rubbing it in our faces from across the street. That baby had to learn sooner or later not to mess with big kids. I just crossed off one thing of his mother’s to-do list. That should count as community service.

Where is Peter Pan When I Need Him?!

I miss those days when I pretended to fall asleep on the drive back home so by the time we arrived home my parents would be forced to carry me like a spoiled princes inside. Or face the wrath of a grumpy brat. I would be placed on my bed and covered with my blanket quietly, as if a ritual were about to be performed on me. When they were about done,  I’d pretend to be slightly startled and ask if it was tomorrow. Once gone , I’d grab the remote and watch some hours of  well earned television.

Nowadays, I get yelled ta for being a snail coming out the car, getting interrupted in the middle of my false slumber. All because I need to help with the grocery bags..or whatever…

Not So Very Cute Pet Names

  • I love you, my little garbage can.
  • You’re the cutest, my moldy rock pointing north.
  • I couldn’t stop thinking of you, stinky Stella.
  • Oh you really shouldn’t have,  my expired egg salad sandwich.
  • Thank you so much, my monthly bill I act doesn’t exist.
  • Good morning, my wrinkly walrus.
  • How was your day, cow pie?
  • Your hair looks…alright better, my sweaty gym socks.

Mr.ChristmasTree: The After Story

Its time I tell Mr.ChristmasTree he’s got to go. He leaves a never ending mess and I’m not very fond of the vacuum, who decided one day to eat my money. Sure, it was my idea. Not actually, Society brought this burden upon me. Its like when you see outside a grocery store a box full of puppies being sold.You want to take one home, make your parents pay, dress the thing up, but not clean after it. Additionally, the slowly-dieing-in-the-corner-of-my-living-room-Mr.ChristmasTree is a real downer. After the tree is gone I hope to adopt either a little pumpkin or a cactus that I saw at the farmer’s market. Ouch!

Be Proud of Blank, Not Blank

  • Be proud of surviving a shark bite.
  • Don’t be proud of not contracting cooties after being bit by your little sister.
  • Be proud that you tried something new.
  • Don’t be proud of unlocking yourself from the closet, making it to bedtime.
  • Be proud of getting a piece of string through the tiniest whole in the world,  located on a sewing needle.
  • Don’t be proud of making it alive after your house of playing  cards avalanche.
  • Be proud of finding time to spend with your children.
  • Don’t be proud of finding your “misplaced” child with only needing the assistance of an Amber Alert.

Have any of your own? Comment them below. (:

If You Could Mind!

It is the worst when your attempts to dagger someone in the heart with a mean retaliation comment fails to hit the target. As it it seems, me and those who suffer the same challenge have a difficult time with the follow through section of the mission. I would not mind one bit if the target helped by picking up the dagger and plunging it into himself, himself! The mission cannot be crossed off the list until I get some sort  of verbal understanding that I have been successful. Satisfied with ouchies and tears. (yes, tears speak).

The Golden Rule: Finders Keepers

Its a very common occurrence that money appears right next to me when I wake up in the mornings. At first a smile is born on my sleepy face as I say to myself “FINDERS KEEPERS!”(Golden rule since childhood). Then all these ideas begin to develop on Andrew Jackson’s and I date, where I plan to leave him and take home something better. If not, the drive home is going top be awkward. I could spend him on something for my sweet tooth(sweet teeth, all teeth enjoy the sweet stuff), go watch a movie and spend the majority of my money on overpriced food once again.No! I will sneak in food in my bad. Ahh, those moments when you realize being a girl was just meant to be.

Then an idea shakes you like a piggy bank you know is hiding something from you. You have no proof the money is yours. The brother comes in and immediately spots your newly inherited currency and claims it as his own. I play it off easy so not to seem like the weakling and make come up with something witty to say such as:

The Tooth Fairy just wanted to drop off a little something for not losing anymore teeth at this age. She said something about the olden days and her first days on the job and toothless teenagers. She also began to rant about people dying from swallowing their dentures and suffocating because they have never seen those denture glue commercials, unlike me.(It shouldn’t be this way!)

Image