Lets Make People Think You Fell Off the Face of the Earth

Why?

  • Need that room finally achieve 24hrs of sleep?
  • Need peace and quiet  to plot your never-ending and enviable vaca?
  • Have you had enough of the shoving and pushing at the supermarket, especially on those day (i.e., the Super Bowl or Thanksgiving)?
  • Have you received the sufficient dosage of parental required social interaction?
  • Would you rather have your money collect dust than go on unnecessary  and time consuming shopping sprees?
  • Afraid of catching a curable yet “I would rather not taking any chances” sickness?

How?

Become unattractive: Lets be realistic, if this is your favorable choice of life, no one cares or  wants to be recognize your existence.

Perform an offensive action: The comment, action, subliminal message must be rude yet generate enough fear, discomfort, and hostility to have people remove you off their yearly Christmas card list.

Become the disgrace of the human race: It probably not that  hard.  It happens…

Have all registrations unregistered: Deactivate any library cards, birth certificates, multiple nationalities, email addresses, magazine subscriptions, Facebook accounts, cellphones…smash your mailbox while your at it. Burn all documents if resistance against your choice of life persists.

When?

  • Desperate for an alternative instead of declaring bankruptcy.
  • No so desperate but the teenage brain has made you believe the zit is one of many to develop so you must be hidden while its being tested for a cure, before people see this dot which really is a freckle.
  • In no rush but just doing what one knows will happen , by force, if not done later.
Advertisements

Lets Play Stalk the Cutie-Patootie

I have no clue who to vote for. I fill start voting at 18, but more importantly, I will start voting when my ignorance on the candidates fades away. What if we were in one of those “on a desert island” or “locked in a closet with people you prayed to god you  never die with” situations, what seems like the right thing to do? Panic? Elect a leader. If we don’t take that step first, then the bruised of the bunch will proclaim itself as dictator because he drank the moldy smoothie resembling liquid on the shelf which made him speak up.

Who would we chose to be the leader? The one who deserves it? The one who is gorgeous? The one who bribes?  If these people or things ran for or were elected, this is what I believe they bring to the table:

Babies: They are so adorable, they will people to agree with them, saving us some time with that because people can’t say o to babies.The problem here is getting things done. The instructions would be hard to understand as the baby is only in the “goo-goo gaa-gaa” stage.

Barbie: If no one can listen to each other, the Barbie plays is a method of playing out what is actually occurring in a “not up to scale” way.

Chair: We feel a closeness we would never feel with our president. They are like Santa, they let us sit on their laps.

The Crazy Guy: He is the one with the great ideas. He plots not disaster, but pure genius.

Girl Scout: Quality of a leader matters on two factors: 1. Whether she is a Daisy(no.) or Brownie(Yes!) 2. She has cookies on her. (This makes or breaks her)

The Guy with the Key: You must love this guy, keys are not just for opening doors, the are a weapon for jabbing, and people who have keys that don’t open the door they need open become angry and let out their anger most likely with their key and most definitely on you.

The Kid Who Knows Karate: If he can break coconuts open or kick down the door, choose him!

The One with the Chocolate Bar: He won’t be sharing it. Don’t get your hopes up.

Miss Universe: Gorgeous, check. Dress that can be a sense of warmth. Check. Entertainment. Check.  Definitely an excellent source of raw materials and entertainment.

Sock Puppets: Similar to Barbies  but sock puppets are loved by all, but especially the children and elderly.

The One with the Good Ideas: Don’t be fooled by this dud. We don’t need ideas, we need actions, and bribes.

P.S: Rules of life change in dire situations:

  1. The inanimate are equals to you  and I. Do not count them out of the election for our leader.
  2. The 3 second rule is abolished.
  3. It is okay to cry.
  4. It is not okay to kill, annoy, or whistle show tunes.
  5. Do not share your true feelings if you believe there is even a slight chance of rescue.

I broke up with Food, the one with the bad rep.

It is official.

What is?, you may be asking ,

or not caring to waste energy on that  because you know I will be answering the question now.

My breakup with Food.

Yes,

I am known to break up

And return to Food with an open heart,

forgiving Food for all fat it have caused

Yet what food,

does not know is

I am sneaky too.

While food thinks

Its bringing me closer

To make my gauge pass overload,

and cause an explosion.

I am going to the gym.

Where considering to return to that Food,

With a bad rep,

Is similar to taking

Two steps forward

and then the chain

which you didn’t realize Food shackled to your ankle

pulls you all the way back,

scraping and bruising your body and mind.

I cannot take food back.

At least not the one I was with,

who had the bad rep.

Image

So You Want To Look Pretty

Have you have gotten to the point in your life where you want to start looking “pretty”? Your starting line, I like to call  ‘desperation‘.

Goals:

  • Get the oo’s & ahh’s
  • Cute shoes compliments
  • Is that fake?..It must be fake…
  • What a..unique face
  • The pointed fingers at your direction
  • Camera flashes in your direction
  • Close up facial analyzations
  • Special feature on the Yahoo news slideshow
  • Potato sack full of compliments, give or take a few spuds
  • The acceptance of our *FINGERS CROSSED* one day zombie society

Prep:

Take a bath (reduce stress & stench). Take a picture with a collection of fuzzy animals. People think the creature is cute. You hugging cute organism, not too hard that you suffocate it meaning go 100000 steps backwards, the cute fleas that were once attached to the animal are now on you. You have successfully “borrowed” its cuteness.

The Metamorphosis:

Now you are cute. Not Pretty. Advice: Its not pretty to settle.  It means you are lazy. Pull out your “pretty”. Suggestions: For women some fake lashes, hair brush, and confidence. For men a toothbrush, muscles, cologne. (From where do you get all these ingredients? Internet or a run–of–the–mill robbery)

Take the objects your could obtain, use as directed, approach someone, and order them to satisfy your goals.

Being “pretty” is ugly to watch.

How to Survive Life by Only Watching TV.

1.Choice of Television.

One which doesn’t give off so much radiation. That shortens your lifespan dramatically. These are the ones to avoid. My theory is the bigger the TV the better likelihood of producing offspring as smaller TVs focus those bad waves straight at the face. While the better quality large TV have a larger surface area so not so much of the radiation is on you and much more on your enemies (as your enemies are always right behind you stalking and are to blame for all your unexplainable tripping on flat surfaces).

2. Comfy Seat.

From love couches, bean bags, and spinning desk chairs with an armrest. Once you are sold with the sweet spot you’ve discovered, mark it with a sharpie because once you lose it, you never ever find it again. The couch will appreciate the new tattoo. Now he won’t seem like such a softy to the ladies.

3. Sustenance.

Get the yummy tasting food. If you decide to live the health junkie life style that supposedly increases life expectancy, lets face the truth, you will end up killing yourself for that choice. We need our daily dose of chocolate cake, chocolate bars, and our beloved chocolate milk which create the beautiful chocolate milk mustaches.