The Infamous Valedictorian Speech

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I want to tell you guys I don’t hate you anymore. It’s true, for a very long time, I despised you all. But things have changed. I’ve gotten older. I’ve matured. And, most importantly, you guys have matured. You aren’t as freaking annoying as you have been in the past. I mean, jeez, you guys were horrible! You smelled bad, couldn’t walk in a straight line, and couldn’t talk quietly for your lives! I’m surprised everyday that I survived that…that Hell! Excuse my French, but it’s true. Harsh truth is always important. And, anyway, you guys HAVE improved…slightly. So I forgive you guys. For the most part. Maybe, in a couple of years, when I am legally allowed to drink, and I drink a few too many appletinis, I will reveal the burning hatred I still hold for you guys to an uninterested bartender. But, for now, I am repressing that hatred. I feel almost neutral toward you guys. It’s a beautiful thing. It really is. Anywho, it looks like the principal is frantically waving at me to get off the stage. I wonder why. Well…have fun in the rest of your lives. I know I will! See y’all at the 20th reunion. Adios!