The Infamous Valedictorian Speech


I want to tell you guys I don’t hate you anymore. It’s true, for a very long time, I despised you all. But things have changed. I’ve gotten older. I’ve matured. And, most importantly, you guys have matured. You aren’t as freaking annoying as you have been in the past. I mean, jeez, you guys were horrible! You smelled bad, couldn’t walk in a straight line, and couldn’t talk quietly for your lives! I’m surprised everyday that I survived that…that Hell! Excuse my French, but it’s true. Harsh truth is always important. And, anyway, you guys HAVE improved…slightly. So I forgive you guys. For the most part. Maybe, in a couple of years, when I am legally allowed to drink, and I drink a few too many appletinis, I will reveal the burning hatred I still hold for you guys to an uninterested bartender. But, for now, I am repressing that hatred. I feel almost neutral toward you guys. It’s a beautiful thing. It really is. Anywho, it looks like the principal is frantically waving at me to get off the stage. I wonder why. Well…have fun in the rest of your lives. I know I will! See y’all at the 20th reunion. Adios!

“FREEDOM!!!” Oh wait, I have to go to school…

Good-bye door.

Hello big fat fluffy black kitty.

Hello stairs.

Hello unclimbable tree.

Hello daddy of big fat fluffy black kitty.

Hello spot where dad’s car should be waiting for me.

Oh, hello daddy’s car.

Hello late daddy.

Hello red light making me late.

Good-bye red light making me late.

Hello bus people.

Hello freeway.

Hello road kill.

Good-bye green light.

Nobody wanted you anyways.

Hello car accident.

I hope you have insurance.

Hello school.

Good-bye late daddy.

Hello security guard.

Hello late speech.

Hello tardy slip.

Hello teacher.

Meet tardy slip.

Hello person in my seat.

Hello unwanted seat in the back.

Hello drawing on my desk I wish I hadn’t seen.

Meet Eraser.

No! Your ink powers are to powerful against my High-Polymer Eraser.

Hello whiteboard.

Sorry for staring.

Hello new pile of homework.

Good-bye undone homework.

Hello bell.

Good-bye friends.

Hello person who said hi.

Hello steep hill.

Hello longest line ever created by humans, literally.

Hello person I cut, not literally.

Hello food.

Hello second line.

Hello ID #.

Hello lost friends.

Hello seats.

Meet butt.

Hello food in tummy.

Hello bell.

Good-bye friends.

Hello Johns the Seagulls.

Hello last bell.

Hello door.

Hello teacher.

…………(Hello Future.)

Good-bye teacher.

Good- bye school.

Hello brother’s car.

Hello brother.

Hello unnecessary lyrics.

Hello traffic.

Good-bye brother and brother’s car.

Hello sidewalk.

Hello stairs.

Hello big fat fluffy black cat.

Did you get fatter?

We meet again, door.

Hello  door.

Hello home.

Hello floor meet backpack and shoes.

Hello sofa. Meet feet. Hello remote.

Hello T.V.

Hello Jersey Shore.

“Hello Daisy, thanks for tuning in and making us richer ”

Hello Homework. Good-bye T.V.

Hello distractions.

Hello Facebook. Hello Friends.

Good- bye friends.

We meet again homework.

Hello brain. Hello answers.

Good-bye homework.

Hello bed.

Hello pillow.

Hello blankets.

Hello T.V.

Good Night Daisy.

Hello sleep, I think I wanna’ marry you~