The Language of Confusion

Mhmm. Mhmm. Yes,  I understand completely.

NO! Stop saying that. When we say that we just want the confusion to end, its unfair. We need to reverse this whole situation, making sure the b of the a conversation lose this conversation.

  1. YES, conversations are competitions of wit.
  2. YES, We refer to ourselves as the a person because a is the first number, ergo you are already #1 by being a. (A boost of confidence never hurt anyone, except those who use steroids)

Reverse the confusion. Try not following their logic. Throw any logic you had out the window! There is no logic in warfare. Its all about the facial expression that delivers the wit. Be strong, but mostly menacing. You know you are the winner when the b cringes, refuses to gracefully acknowledge  the eyeballs locked in your sockets, and responds to names such as coward, chicken, or wimp.

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Lets Play Stalk the Cutie-Patootie

I have no clue who to vote for. I fill start voting at 18, but more importantly, I will start voting when my ignorance on the candidates fades away. What if we were in one of those “on a desert island” or “locked in a closet with people you prayed to god you  never die with” situations, what seems like the right thing to do? Panic? Elect a leader. If we don’t take that step first, then the bruised of the bunch will proclaim itself as dictator because he drank the moldy smoothie resembling liquid on the shelf which made him speak up.

Who would we chose to be the leader? The one who deserves it? The one who is gorgeous? The one who bribes?  If these people or things ran for or were elected, this is what I believe they bring to the table:

Babies: They are so adorable, they will people to agree with them, saving us some time with that because people can’t say o to babies.The problem here is getting things done. The instructions would be hard to understand as the baby is only in the “goo-goo gaa-gaa” stage.

Barbie: If no one can listen to each other, the Barbie plays is a method of playing out what is actually occurring in a “not up to scale” way.

Chair: We feel a closeness we would never feel with our president. They are like Santa, they let us sit on their laps.

The Crazy Guy: He is the one with the great ideas. He plots not disaster, but pure genius.

Girl Scout: Quality of a leader matters on two factors: 1. Whether she is a Daisy(no.) or Brownie(Yes!) 2. She has cookies on her. (This makes or breaks her)

The Guy with the Key: You must love this guy, keys are not just for opening doors, the are a weapon for jabbing, and people who have keys that don’t open the door they need open become angry and let out their anger most likely with their key and most definitely on you.

The Kid Who Knows Karate: If he can break coconuts open or kick down the door, choose him!

The One with the Chocolate Bar: He won’t be sharing it. Don’t get your hopes up.

Miss Universe: Gorgeous, check. Dress that can be a sense of warmth. Check. Entertainment. Check.  Definitely an excellent source of raw materials and entertainment.

Sock Puppets: Similar to Barbies  but sock puppets are loved by all, but especially the children and elderly.

The One with the Good Ideas: Don’t be fooled by this dud. We don’t need ideas, we need actions, and bribes.

P.S: Rules of life change in dire situations:

  1. The inanimate are equals to you  and I. Do not count them out of the election for our leader.
  2. The 3 second rule is abolished.
  3. It is okay to cry.
  4. It is not okay to kill, annoy, or whistle show tunes.
  5. Do not share your true feelings if you believe there is even a slight chance of rescue.

Philosophy, “Nothing to do with a Phil”

ImageHere I share the standards at which life is best viewed, lived, and enjoyed:

  • The illogical is logical: examples: I am not to blame, society is.& Everything I say should be taken as a fact (for the sake of avoiding any future confusion)
  • Some things are worth repeating: Life (reincarnation),Songs (long live the one-hit-wonder!), Plates of food, Funny sounding words of phrases that tickle the tongue (OH, my love for tongue twisters),Claps, when meant for applause. One clap is just odd. That is more appropriate when you want to redirect attention to yourself ((also known as hogging the spotlight from oh….me!))
  • Ignorance/ Stupidity is a fantastic card to play in an awkward situation.
  • The brain is the temple and the heart pays its rent.
  • Friendship is precious .There aren’t many people who accept a nutcase.
  • When there are no words to express how you feel, it must be a sign to shut up.
  • We have more potential then we know but since we did not get handed a manual to read or an instructional video to watch we will end up wasting our life.
  • The ability to think is magical but also the fact that there has yet to be invented a device that can read our thoughts,  exposing our individual plots to take over the world, or our cunning lies that passed by the individuals they were told to.Also,  *crossing fingers* any other imaginable horrible ending that has yet to occur is. (ideas have already been claimed by a movie director who plans to create a movie based on a horrible ending creating a movie like Jurassic Park.)
  • All men were originally meant to be created equal but then the printer jammed due to its heroic attempt to end what will become the destruction of Universe but failed and what resulted was mutation.

How to Use Sparkles PROPERLY

  • Dump sparkles inside your toilet bowl. Sparkly toilet water is a change from the spiritless, unspectacular blue coloring sometimes added to toilet water.
  • Throw sparkles at the “cootie-phobic” , if you are a girl this is more effective due to the fact that you are making his ultimate fear seem like its become a reality.
  • Skip a bath. Splattering glitter all over your body gives the deceiving view that you are clean,  as sparkles suggest cleanliness and a lack of imperfections.*
  • Fill up nose with sparkles, sneeze towards desired direction,  and TA-FRICKEN-DA, a confetti machine!

Enjoy these light reflective particles to the fullest. Hopefully, you don’t get skin cancer while the sun activates their mesmerizing powers, so slap on some sunscreen! (upside:sparkles stick on easier)

*Studies have indicated it is likely for participants to be mistaken for a vampire, fairy, or hazardous towards society and as a result, are destroyed.

Not So Very Cute Pet Names

  • I love you, my little garbage can.
  • You’re the cutest, my moldy rock pointing north.
  • I couldn’t stop thinking of you, stinky Stella.
  • Oh you really shouldn’t have,  my expired egg salad sandwich.
  • Thank you so much, my monthly bill I act doesn’t exist.
  • Good morning, my wrinkly walrus.
  • How was your day, cow pie?
  • Your hair looks…alright better, my sweaty gym socks.

Step 1. Quickly and Casually Analyze Door.

Image
To avoid lookin’ like an Idiot when you failed at opening it. Implies you fail at opening soda cans. Also the simple things in life. Its okay though. Life should come with an instructional video, not manual as we wouldn’t even open it unless it had a hundred dollar bill inside and a coupon for a free large pizza. Lets just be good looking when we act like idiots so we get a nice shiny trophy.