The Infamous Valedictorian Speech


I want to tell you guys I don’t hate you anymore. It’s true, for a very long time, I despised you all. But things have changed. I’ve gotten older. I’ve matured. And, most importantly, you guys have matured. You aren’t as freaking annoying as you have been in the past. I mean, jeez, you guys were horrible! You smelled bad, couldn’t walk in a straight line, and couldn’t talk quietly for your lives! I’m surprised everyday that I survived that…that Hell! Excuse my French, but it’s true. Harsh truth is always important. And, anyway, you guys HAVE improved…slightly. So I forgive you guys. For the most part. Maybe, in a couple of years, when I am legally allowed to drink, and I drink a few too many appletinis, I will reveal the burning hatred I still hold for you guys to an uninterested bartender. But, for now, I am repressing that hatred. I feel almost neutral toward you guys. It’s a beautiful thing. It really is. Anywho, it looks like the principal is frantically waving at me to get off the stage. I wonder why. Well…have fun in the rest of your lives. I know I will! See y’all at the 20th reunion. Adios!

Good-Bye, Mr. Christmas Tree.

Dear Mr. Christmas Tree,

I wasn’t very good to you. I didn’t water you or decorate you. I just placed you in a corner for two weeks like a toddler on “extended” time out. And yet,  YOU JUST WON’T DIE. You’ve been here since 2012. I thought you were leaving today while I was at school. It’s over. I wish you would just leave already!



P.S. Here is a visual if the message doesn’t get across


Check Yourself Out to Charity

Yep. I’m talking about volunteering.

It is my recent addiction. I feel like what I imagine an extreme couponer and a hoarder must feel as they do what they do, yet I’m not crazy (Yeah, yeah, it doesn’t help that my name rhymes with crazy). The most frequently asked question I get as a volunteer is “Why do you do it?”. Well…

1. The free stuff. I am a fan of the free shirt. They become my new pajama or clothes when I don’t feel like doing my laundry.

2.The experience. It is something I can put on a resume…whenever I decide to type one up.  Free entrance to the event isn’t bad either. I just pay in labor, gas to get their and pesky parking. Free admission to my school’s talent show was cool.I was able to meet the performers, hold their wallets…

3. Food. I must admit, this is the jackpot.  Free Pizza. Free Water bottles. Free Catering. Free Subway. Free ❤

4. I just don’t want to be at home. Rather than rot in front of the television or melt on the couch from my apartment/ convection oven over the summer, I volunteered in an office with AC. I  felt like a refugee.

5. I like offices. That’s my dream job. A cubicle isn’t a sad prison but paradise. Paperclips, a stapler, color post its and highlighters!!! …I have this thing for stationary.

6. ITS SO FUN. & I don’t have a paying job taking away my free-time.




Go Casual and Survive!

Play of these comments with style:

“Is that broccoli in your teeth?”

Oh, I am saving that as a last bite when I am hungry later. Thanks for inviting me for dinner, It was delicious!

“Is that your fat  I hear jiggling?”

Shh, It will hear you and get angry. You won’t like it when it is angry.

“When do you plan on paying for your own rent?”

Life is to short to worry about the bills. Life is about being with those you love, and you love me. Therefore you are obligated to pay for my survival.

Warning: Stop Staring

  1. When your eyes begin to feel like you eyeballs are melting.
  2. When the object you stare at begins to melt because your laser vision is acting up.
  3. Before you are hypnotized.
  4. You are a traffic hazard at an intersection.
  5. Be a man and forfeit, you will never win the staring contest!
  6. AND RUN, If there is a meteor about to crash right where you are standing.

Love & Zombies: Daisy!(:

Cloud shapes help remind the forgetful

What is the best way to feel like a millionaire when you spend your allowance?


Look at the sky. We see the other world that goes on there-just like when we stick our heads in the ocean.

It would be a bit more beneficial when  checking up there to see more than missiles of pigeon poop and floating viruses planning to use me as a place to multiply and thrive.

Once we know how harness cloud power for the use of personal reminders, I will have a few suggestions on the topic and, who knows, there will be a new investment for you in the blogosphere.

A cloud could remind us not to forget the keys in the car, wash our hands, we have children and they need to be picked up from… where exactly?, and to water our  fish.