How to Solve a Runny Nose

Its that time of year when everyone gets the flu. As much as we want to get sick to stay home and watch endless hours of TV, we have needs; attaining some physical interactions and practicing our freedoms outdoors.

FIRST, lets view the positives of this situation:

  • Avoiding that conversation you would have to go through because you let something slip out that really shouldn’t have.
  • Malfunctioning nose is good. Now all the stink of your brother does not exist. Neither does the smell of the burning food in the oven  that you were suppose to turn off.
  • No more pretending to be sick and tragically failing, forcing us to go through our day following through with our commitments.
  • Finally achieving that seclusion people always denied from you.
  • You’ve stuck a gold mine, CONGRATS! Bottle the leakage and sell it to those who wish to be sick and join in the bullet points mentioned above.

The list of positives encourages a reader to maintain their runny nose  as long as possible, but this is because there is no not actual necessity, in my eyes, to solve this blessing.

If you just can’t stand the idea that a microscopic virus has decided to run havoc on your immune system, then, I GUESS, we should fix this problem once and for all…here is guidance to all you cream puffs:

  • Any object will do the fix the leaky faucet on your face, but I suggest when stuffing your nose with things labeled “for external use only”, to not choose an objects that will become lodged Also nothing too sharp but sharp is still okay. BTW: Corks are made especially for job.
  • Have some fun, shove Kleenex up the desired nostril. Hold down the unclogged nostril and ignite you snot wade launcher with a five-star (tissue?)  sneeze. Then stuff both nostrils after you believe its all clear.

Enjoy your household’s flu epidemic.  (:

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How to Use Sparkles PROPERLY

  • Dump sparkles inside your toilet bowl. Sparkly toilet water is a change from the spiritless, unspectacular blue coloring sometimes added to toilet water.
  • Throw sparkles at the “cootie-phobic” , if you are a girl this is more effective due to the fact that you are making his ultimate fear seem like its become a reality.
  • Skip a bath. Splattering glitter all over your body gives the deceiving view that you are clean,  as sparkles suggest cleanliness and a lack of imperfections.*
  • Fill up nose with sparkles, sneeze towards desired direction,  and TA-FRICKEN-DA, a confetti machine!

Enjoy these light reflective particles to the fullest. Hopefully, you don’t get skin cancer while the sun activates their mesmerizing powers, so slap on some sunscreen! (upside:sparkles stick on easier)

*Studies have indicated it is likely for participants to be mistaken for a vampire, fairy, or hazardous towards society and as a result, are destroyed.

So You Want To Look Pretty

Have you have gotten to the point in your life where you want to start looking “pretty”? Your starting line, I like to call  ‘desperation‘.

Goals:

  • Get the oo’s & ahh’s
  • Cute shoes compliments
  • Is that fake?..It must be fake…
  • What a..unique face
  • The pointed fingers at your direction
  • Camera flashes in your direction
  • Close up facial analyzations
  • Special feature on the Yahoo news slideshow
  • Potato sack full of compliments, give or take a few spuds
  • The acceptance of our *FINGERS CROSSED* one day zombie society

Prep:

Take a bath (reduce stress & stench). Take a picture with a collection of fuzzy animals. People think the creature is cute. You hugging cute organism, not too hard that you suffocate it meaning go 100000 steps backwards, the cute fleas that were once attached to the animal are now on you. You have successfully “borrowed” its cuteness.

The Metamorphosis:

Now you are cute. Not Pretty. Advice: Its not pretty to settle.  It means you are lazy. Pull out your “pretty”. Suggestions: For women some fake lashes, hair brush, and confidence. For men a toothbrush, muscles, cologne. (From where do you get all these ingredients? Internet or a run–of–the–mill robbery)

Take the objects your could obtain, use as directed, approach someone, and order them to satisfy your goals.

Being “pretty” is ugly to watch.

Who Needs Pimples?

Answering the questions that aren’t meant to be answered.

  • Can’t stand the idea of being perfect? You need pimples!
  • You want to get out of taking a picture with your enemy who hates pizza faces? You need pimples!
  • About to be married to a women who is crazy about taking the perfect pictures on her wedding and you are getting cold feet? You need pimples!
  • Need an excuse to stay inside with the blinds shut “I Am Legend” style? You need pimples!
  • Don’t want to be kissed because you don’t want herpes or some other STD and being unattractive is the only way you will be safe? You need pimples!
  • You’re sitting at the food court, studying for your possible pop quiz and you do not want to be bothered by a hot girl? You need pimples!
  • You made it into the next season of American Idol but you know you are a nervous freak and you need a way to get out because you are a nervous freak and are known as the creepiest dude? You need pimples!
  • So bored during the summer? You, your mom, “friends” aka cats are in perfect health yet you feel the need to be a nurturing mother? You need pimples!
  • You’re popular and you have fallen in love with a boy waaaaay down below the social ladder and you are afraid of being accepted by his friends? You need pimples! (but be careful on the amount because one too many and they won’t  even want you)
  • Want to get into the Guinness Book of  World Records for the most pimply person but you lack the few to achieve the perfect number? You need pimples!
  • In need of camouflage at the pimple convention because the angel face you have been graced with is like the red target logo for haters? You need pimples!
  • Aren’t satisfied with the sculpted bumps  that are your muscles? You need pimples!

You don’t realize it now because your pimples cover your eyes but YOU NEED PIMPLES!!