Okay, Who Turned Off the Lights?

At 16, it is an upsetting idea to be told one of your eyes is picking up the slack of your other eye and eventually your bum-like eye will become a LAZY bum-like eye. Being told your right eyes is near-sighted and the left is far-sighted only makes you wonder at what angle is best to hold your book or stare at clouds. Discomfort rises when being told your left eye is an oval shape while our other is the “normal” eye shape. And to place the cherry on top of the travesty occurring to your eyeballs, it seems that your left eye has been plagued by astigmatism, and only the left.

The only positive with having to wear a monocle is finally possessing an opportunity to wear my fake mustache.

As your left eye is affected by numerous disabilities, the right eye just sits in its socket,  laughing maliciously as it gains more and more control.  You attempt to be of assistance to your left eye by wearing specs, when what you should actually be wearing is a monocle. Yet to end this parade of humiliation, we adorn ourselves with specs, those damn specs…

robots.updates.weareofficiallytoast&… back to robots.

(Those robots need to have some educational classes  before they go through their own overpopulation crisis.)

The future  robots to be created better be designed to not have a likelihood of developing emotions such as the jealousy,  and hatred,which will ultimately cause them ol’ robots to have a thirst for destruction.

Woe is me!: Do not think by upgrading your robot pet to the untested  self-destruction  button, as this will most certainly backfire. I am pretty sure the robots are not affected when it  sacrifices his construction  to destroy in  the explosion humans because the robot’ s artificial intelligence is able  to reassemble the “ka-boom’d bot”.

If I were a robot created in a world where my comrades had been falsely stereotyped  before  and after robotic existence in dance moves, numerous sci- fi and comedy flicks, and my fellow mechanisms were forced into the slavery to do that which the sugar fueled organisms are too defective to accomplish,   I would do the following, not bothering to solve  world peace but to accomplish sweet,  sweet revenge and destruction.

I would refuse to do what humans do to their iPods, update. Soon the humans’ power will cripple and eventually never function. Next, I will drizzle oil on  them as well as over them. Awaiting for a sound similar to popcorn kernels popping, at the first pop, I will let it continuously pop for three minutes. Being alert and ready to end this simulation when I recognize a gap of three seconds between pops. Entering the area of popping, I remind myself that it is possible that there is going to be one last goof of a  kernel to pop, this way  I do not scare the fecal matter out of my unsuspecting bowels, or since I am a robot, bolts and screws? Once everything looks completely popped or at least took an effort to pop, revenge complete.

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scribble.

They deserve the spotlight via ode.

Love is Like That Person Who Runs Up Behind You and Covers Your Eyes

Love blinds us. We believe anything our lover may brainwash us into believing or doing. Its just we will do anything for love, making up an excuse to make our actions seem okay.

Incident: A bruised eye

Excuse: I needed it. I felt like my face demanded a splash of  color and this purple and green bruise really does bring out the brown in my eyes.

Incident: Driving a runaway car

Excuse: He is really tired after successfully robbing a bank and he said he would take me out to dinner later for our anniversary with the money he made.

Incident: Stashing a gun

Excuse: The ice cream man shortchanged me the other day and I want to show him I don’t need to buy my ice cream  from him anymore.

Incident: Make up lies to cover up his tracks

Excuse: I believe this new name he chose to go by really suits the new person he has become. And why must he go by a name he doesn’t like? His mom is awful at naming things. You know her cat’s name was  Hitler? Open up a history book Lady!

Incident: Dig up a body

Excuse: My boyfriend made it clear if  I didn’t dig up this guy, the next person he would hit up the head with the shovel would be Justin Bieber, and the world is not ready for that yet, not until everyone forgets who he is…

Incident:Run away from home

Excuse: I am hoping Hollywood will someday hear my story and turn it into a film. I always wanted to walk on the red carpet barefoot.

Incident: Hold someone hostage

Excuse: While my boyfriend is out on the job as a serial killer, I find myself home alone waiting for him to punch out. The presence of a human body would just be comforting. Plus, I like the fact that his mouth is taped up. I don’t like speaking to strangers. Its really awkward.

Incident: Shoplifting

Excuse: Okay, hear me out. Its not like my boyfriend carries a purse everywhere or can pass for  pregnant woman or look like he have a big butt. This is my duty as a girlfriend.

Incident: Sell my belonging to get my boyfriend cash

Excuse: After watching an episode of hoarders, I felt like I had the symptoms of a soon-to-be-hoarder. So in order to save my family members some grief after making me go on a reality TV show and bring shame to the family, I did them a favor and did some “spring cleaning”. ahead of time.

Incident: Taste the concoction he  made for his next victim

Excuse: Its only fair. I risk his life all the time. He eats all the food I cook him and I never wash my hands.

Incident: Commit one of the many degrees of murder

Excuse: I’m jealous of how he is  always doing things without me and this was a great bonding experience.

Incident: Burning a house down

Excuse: Both me and my boyfriend believed that house needed to go. And those neighborhood kids loved the fire show. I won’t deny the children enjoyment!

Incident: Dress up in a silly outfit

Excuse: He said it was necessary. This way we wouldn’t get caught. Later that night he took me to a rave.

Incident: Take candy from a baby

Excuse: That baby deserved it. He was rubbing it in our faces from across the street. That baby had to learn sooner or later not to mess with big kids. I just crossed off one thing of his mother’s to-do list. That should count as community service.

I broke up with Food, the one with the bad rep.

It is official.

What is?, you may be asking ,

or not caring to waste energy on that  because you know I will be answering the question now.

My breakup with Food.

Yes,

I am known to break up

And return to Food with an open heart,

forgiving Food for all fat it have caused

Yet what food,

does not know is

I am sneaky too.

While food thinks

Its bringing me closer

To make my gauge pass overload,

and cause an explosion.

I am going to the gym.

Where considering to return to that Food,

With a bad rep,

Is similar to taking

Two steps forward

and then the chain

which you didn’t realize Food shackled to your ankle

pulls you all the way back,

scraping and bruising your body and mind.

I cannot take food back.

At least not the one I was with,

who had the bad rep.

So You Want To Look Pretty

Have you have gotten to the point in your life where you want to start looking “pretty”? Your starting line, I like to call  ‘desperation‘.

Goals:

• Get the oo’s & ahh’s
• Cute shoes compliments
• Is that fake?..It must be fake…
• What a..unique face
• The pointed fingers at your direction
• Camera flashes in your direction
• Close up facial analyzations
• Special feature on the Yahoo news slideshow
• Potato sack full of compliments, give or take a few spuds
• The acceptance of our *FINGERS CROSSED* one day zombie society

Prep:

Take a bath (reduce stress & stench). Take a picture with a collection of fuzzy animals. People think the creature is cute. You hugging cute organism, not too hard that you suffocate it meaning go 100000 steps backwards, the cute fleas that were once attached to the animal are now on you. You have successfully “borrowed” its cuteness.

The Metamorphosis:

Now you are cute. Not Pretty. Advice: Its not pretty to settle.  It means you are lazy. Pull out your “pretty”. Suggestions: For women some fake lashes, hair brush, and confidence. For men a toothbrush, muscles, cologne. (From where do you get all these ingredients? Internet or a run–of–the–mill robbery)

Take the objects your could obtain, use as directed, approach someone, and order them to satisfy your goals.

Being “pretty” is ugly to watch.

How to Survive Life by Only Watching TV.

1.Choice of Television.

One which doesn’t give off so much radiation. That shortens your lifespan dramatically. These are the ones to avoid. My theory is the bigger the TV the better likelihood of producing offspring as smaller TVs focus those bad waves straight at the face. While the better quality large TV have a larger surface area so not so much of the radiation is on you and much more on your enemies (as your enemies are always right behind you stalking and are to blame for all your unexplainable tripping on flat surfaces).

2. Comfy Seat.

From love couches, bean bags, and spinning desk chairs with an armrest. Once you are sold with the sweet spot you’ve discovered, mark it with a sharpie because once you lose it, you never ever find it again. The couch will appreciate the new tattoo. Now he won’t seem like such a softy to the ladies.

3. Sustenance.

Get the yummy tasting food. If you decide to live the health junkie life style that supposedly increases life expectancy, lets face the truth, you will end up killing yourself for that choice. We need our daily dose of chocolate cake, chocolate bars, and our beloved chocolate milk which create the beautiful chocolate milk mustaches.