Tag Archives: Life is Unfair

So You Want To Look Pretty

Posted on by under Educational

Have you have gotten to the point in your life where you want to start looking “pretty”? Your starting line, I like to call  ‘desperation‘.

Goals:

  • Get the oo’s & ahh’s
  • Cute shoes compliments
  • Is that fake?..It must be fake…
  • What a..unique face
  • The pointed fingers at your direction
  • Camera flashes in your direction
  • Close up facial analyzations
  • Special feature on the Yahoo news slideshow
  • Potato sack full of compliments, give or take a few spuds
  • The acceptance of our *FINGERS CROSSED* one day zombie society

Prep:

Take a bath (reduce stress & stench). Take a picture with a collection of fuzzy animals. People think the creature is cute. You hugging cute organism, not too hard that you suffocate it meaning go 100000 steps backwards, the cute fleas that were once attached to the animal are now on you. You have successfully “borrowed” its cuteness.

The Metamorphosis:

Now you are cute. Not Pretty. Advice: Its not pretty to settle.  It means you are lazy. Pull out your “pretty”. Suggestions: For women some fake lashes, hair brush, and confidence. For men a toothbrush, muscles, cologne. (From where do you get all these ingredients? Internet or a run–of–the–mill robbery)

Take the objects your could obtain, use as directed, approach someone, and order them to satisfy your goals.

Being “pretty” is ugly to watch.

The Golden Rule: Finders Keepers

Posted on by under A Regular Day

Its a very common occurrence that money appears right next to me when I wake up in the mornings. At first a smile is born on my sleepy face as I say to myself “FINDERS KEEPERS!”(Golden rule since childhood). Then all these ideas begin to develop on Andrew Jackson’s and I date, where I plan to leave him and take home something better. If not, the drive home is going top be awkward. I could spend him on something for my sweet tooth(sweet teeth, all teeth enjoy the sweet stuff), go watch a movie and spend the majority of my money on overpriced food once again.No! I will sneak in food in my bad. Ahh, those moments when you realize being a girl was just meant to be.

Then an idea shakes you like a piggy bank you know is hiding something from you. You have no proof the money is yours. The brother comes in and immediately spots your newly inherited currency and claims it as his own. I play it off easy so not to seem like the weakling and make come up with something witty to say such as:

The Tooth Fairy just wanted to drop off a little something for not losing anymore teeth at this age. She said something about the olden days and her first days on the job and toothless teenagers. She also began to rant about people dying from swallowing their dentures and suffocating because they have never seen those denture glue commercials, unlike me.(It shouldn’t be this way!)

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