Okay, Who Turned Off the Lights?

At 16, it is an upsetting idea to be told one of your eyes is picking up the slack of your other eye and eventually your bum-like eye will become a LAZY bum-like eye. Being told your right eyes is near-sighted and the left is far-sighted only makes you wonder at what angle is best to hold your book or stare at clouds. Discomfort rises when being told your left eye is an oval shape while our other is the “normal” eye shape. And to place the cherry on top of the travesty occurring to your eyeballs, it seems that your left eye has been plagued by astigmatism, and only the left.

The only positive with having to wear a monocle is finally possessing an opportunity to wear my fake mustache.

As your left eye is affected by numerous disabilities, the right eye just sits in its socket,  laughing maliciously as it gains more and more control.  You attempt to be of assistance to your left eye by wearing specs, when what you should actually be wearing is a monocle. Yet to end this parade of humiliation, we adorn ourselves with specs, those damn specs…

Double Date with Boredom? ANYONE?!

As Wiki Likes to say:

Boredom is an emotional state experienced when an individual is left without anything in particular to do, and is not interested in their surroundings. The first recorded use of the word boredom is in the novel Bleak House by Charles Dickens,  written in 1852, in which it appears six times, although the expression “to be a bore” had been used in the sense of  “to be tiresome or dull” since 1768.

I say that’s enough of a history lesson for  the day.

I ask for all who read this post for some help.  Scavenge through  the internet for some way to annihilate boredom from our good people. I only know of a few and need a more compiled list of  activities  because after what I thought would solve this problem becomes boring itself.

1. The “Name Game”: banana fana fo fana (if only someone explained its dynamics to me)
2. Stand on a street curb, close your eyes, imagine you are up on a high cliff and jump or step off.
3. Attempt to communicate with people as if you were a mummy.
4. Lay down on your back still and see how good of a corpse you are.
5. Stand out in front of a street and wave at the cars that go by.
6. On those special occasions, try to get as close as possible to the end of a rainbow.

Love is Like That Person Who Runs Up Behind You and Covers Your Eyes

Love blinds us. We believe anything our lover may brainwash us into believing or doing. Its just we will do anything for love, making up an excuse to make our actions seem okay.

Incident: A bruised eye

Excuse: I needed it. I felt like my face demanded a splash of  color and this purple and green bruise really does bring out the brown in my eyes.

Incident: Driving a runaway car

Excuse: He is really tired after successfully robbing a bank and he said he would take me out to dinner later for our anniversary with the money he made.

Incident: Stashing a gun

Excuse: The ice cream man shortchanged me the other day and I want to show him I don’t need to buy my ice cream  from him anymore.

Incident: Make up lies to cover up his tracks

Excuse: I believe this new name he chose to go by really suits the new person he has become. And why must he go by a name he doesn’t like? His mom is awful at naming things. You know her cat’s name was  Hitler? Open up a history book Lady!

Incident: Dig up a body

Excuse: My boyfriend made it clear if  I didn’t dig up this guy, the next person he would hit up the head with the shovel would be Justin Bieber, and the world is not ready for that yet, not until everyone forgets who he is…

Incident:Run away from home

Excuse: I am hoping Hollywood will someday hear my story and turn it into a film. I always wanted to walk on the red carpet barefoot.

Incident: Hold someone hostage

Excuse: While my boyfriend is out on the job as a serial killer, I find myself home alone waiting for him to punch out. The presence of a human body would just be comforting. Plus, I like the fact that his mouth is taped up. I don’t like speaking to strangers. Its really awkward.

Incident: Shoplifting

Excuse: Okay, hear me out. Its not like my boyfriend carries a purse everywhere or can pass for  pregnant woman or look like he have a big butt. This is my duty as a girlfriend.

Incident: Sell my belonging to get my boyfriend cash

Excuse: After watching an episode of hoarders, I felt like I had the symptoms of a soon-to-be-hoarder. So in order to save my family members some grief after making me go on a reality TV show and bring shame to the family, I did them a favor and did some “spring cleaning”. ahead of time.

Incident: Taste the concoction he  made for his next victim

Excuse: Its only fair. I risk his life all the time. He eats all the food I cook him and I never wash my hands.

Incident: Commit one of the many degrees of murder

Excuse: I’m jealous of how he is  always doing things without me and this was a great bonding experience.

Incident: Burning a house down

Excuse: Both me and my boyfriend believed that house needed to go. And those neighborhood kids loved the fire show. I won’t deny the children enjoyment!

Incident: Dress up in a silly outfit

Excuse: He said it was necessary. This way we wouldn’t get caught. Later that night he took me to a rave.

Incident: Take candy from a baby

Excuse: That baby deserved it. He was rubbing it in our faces from across the street. That baby had to learn sooner or later not to mess with big kids. I just crossed off one thing of his mother’s to-do list. That should count as community service.

So You Want To Look Pretty

Have you have gotten to the point in your life where you want to start looking “pretty”? Your starting line, I like to call  ‘desperation‘.

Goals:

• Get the oo’s & ahh’s
• Cute shoes compliments
• Is that fake?..It must be fake…
• What a..unique face
• The pointed fingers at your direction
• Camera flashes in your direction
• Close up facial analyzations
• Special feature on the Yahoo news slideshow
• Potato sack full of compliments, give or take a few spuds
• The acceptance of our *FINGERS CROSSED* one day zombie society

Prep:

Take a bath (reduce stress & stench). Take a picture with a collection of fuzzy animals. People think the creature is cute. You hugging cute organism, not too hard that you suffocate it meaning go 100000 steps backwards, the cute fleas that were once attached to the animal are now on you. You have successfully “borrowed” its cuteness.

The Metamorphosis:

Now you are cute. Not Pretty. Advice: Its not pretty to settle.  It means you are lazy. Pull out your “pretty”. Suggestions: For women some fake lashes, hair brush, and confidence. For men a toothbrush, muscles, cologne. (From where do you get all these ingredients? Internet or a run–of–the–mill robbery)

Take the objects your could obtain, use as directed, approach someone, and order them to satisfy your goals.

Being “pretty” is ugly to watch.

Who Needs Pimples?

Answering the questions that aren’t meant to be answered.

• Can’t stand the idea of being perfect? You need pimples!
• You want to get out of taking a picture with your enemy who hates pizza faces? You need pimples!
• About to be married to a women who is crazy about taking the perfect pictures on her wedding and you are getting cold feet? You need pimples!
• Need an excuse to stay inside with the blinds shut “I Am Legend” style? You need pimples!
• Don’t want to be kissed because you don’t want herpes or some other STD and being unattractive is the only way you will be safe? You need pimples!
• You’re sitting at the food court, studying for your possible pop quiz and you do not want to be bothered by a hot girl? You need pimples!
• You made it into the next season of American Idol but you know you are a nervous freak and you need a way to get out because you are a nervous freak and are known as the creepiest dude? You need pimples!
• So bored during the summer? You, your mom, “friends” aka cats are in perfect health yet you feel the need to be a nurturing mother? You need pimples!
• You’re popular and you have fallen in love with a boy waaaaay down below the social ladder and you are afraid of being accepted by his friends? You need pimples! (but be careful on the amount because one too many and they won’t  even want you)
• Want to get into the Guinness Book of  World Records for the most pimply person but you lack the few to achieve the perfect number? You need pimples!
• In need of camouflage at the pimple convention because the angel face you have been graced with is like the red target logo for haters? You need pimples!
• Aren’t satisfied with the sculpted bumps  that are your muscles? You need pimples!

You don’t realize it now because your pimples cover your eyes but YOU NEED PIMPLES!!